HowTo:Avoid Falling Coconuts
People always use death by coconut to put some other deadly thing into perspective.
“You know, more people are killed by falling coconuts than shark attacks every year.”
Clearly, falling coconuts are pretty. fucking. dangerous. However, while numerous guides on how to avoid shark attacks or terrorist attacks or even drive-by shootings exist online, no such guide exists for falling coconuts. This is that very guide.
Avoid Coconut Trees
This is pretty self-explanatory. At this very moment, I am in my house with a full roof. I am in absolutely no danger of dying by falling coconut. Why? Because I am not near any coconut trees.
Don't Stand Under Coconut Trees
If you absolutely cannot avoid being near any coconut trees, that's fine. Millions of people go near coconut trees and don't die. Well, they don't die right then. They probably die at some point later. They accomplish this by where they stand. If you stand a safe distance away from a coconut tree, you're very unlikely to get hit on the noggin by a coconut.
Refrain from Shaking Coconut Trees
If for some reason, you must absolutely be under a coconut tree, just don't shake the tree. All experts on deaths by coconut agree that most coconut-related deaths come from shaking the tree, causing the coconut to fall. If you don't shake it, you're likely to make it out of your brush with death alive.
Wear a Helmet
I don't know why, but if for some reason you must shake a coconut tree, wear a helmet when you do it. It's unknown whether or not this would help at all, due to a lack of funding for the study, but it couldn't hurt. Well, the coconut hitting your head would hurt, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Make Peace with your God
If you need to shake a coconut tree while not wearing a helmet, there's nothing anyone can do. Say goodbye to your loved ones. I'm sorry.
- Or falling vending machines, but that's not what this guide is about.
- You know which one.
- You're welcome.
- Relatively speaking.
- Well, coconuts tend to make a "doink" sound.
- Maybe even billions.
- Note: Very strong winds may make this point moot.
- If you're a tropical worker or something.
- I'm the only one.
- Your standard sporting helmet should do.
- Or any coconut-related deaths, for that matter.