HowTo:Avoid Falling Coconuts

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People always use death by coconut to put some other deadly thing into perspective.[1]

“You know, more people are killed by falling coconuts than shark attacks every year.”

~ Your friend[2] on fellatio

Clearly, falling coconuts are pretty. fucking. dangerous. However, while numerous guides on how to avoid shark attacks or terrorist attacks or even drive-by shootings exist online, no such guide exists for falling coconuts. This is that very guide.[3]

Avoid Coconut Trees[edit]

This is pretty self-explanatory. At this very moment, I am in my house with a full roof. I am in absolutely no danger of dying by falling coconut. Why? Because I am not near any coconut trees.[4]

The silent[5] killer.

Don't Stand Under Coconut Trees[edit]

If you absolutely cannot avoid being near any coconut trees, that's fine. Millions of people[6] go near coconut trees and don't die. Well, they don't die right then. They probably die at some point later. They accomplish this by where they stand. If you stand a safe distance away from a coconut tree, you're very unlikely to get hit on the noggin by a coconut.[7]

Refrain from Shaking Coconut Trees[edit]

If for some reason, you must absolutely be under a coconut tree,[8] just don't shake the tree. All experts on deaths by coconut[9] agree that most coconut-related deaths come from shaking the tree, causing the coconut to fall. If you don't shake it, you're likely to make it out of your brush with death alive.

Wear a Helmet[edit]

I don't know why, but if for some reason you must shake a coconut tree, wear a helmet[10] when you do it. It's unknown whether or not this would help at all, due to a lack of funding for the study,[11] but it couldn't hurt. Well, the coconut hitting your head would hurt, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Make Peace with your God[edit]

If you need to shake a coconut tree while not wearing a helmet, there's nothing anyone can do. Say goodbye to your loved ones. I'm sorry.



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  1. Or falling vending machines, but that's not what this guide is about.
  2. You know which one.
  3. You're welcome.
  4. Relatively speaking.
  5. Well, coconuts tend to make a "doink" sound.
  6. Maybe even billions.
  7. Note: Very strong winds may make this point moot.
  8. If you're a tropical worker or something.
  9. I'm the only one.
  10. Your standard sporting helmet should do.
  11. Or any coconut-related deaths, for that matter.