HowTo:Avoid Falling Coconuts
People always use death by coconut to put some other deadly thing into perspective.[1]
“You know, more people are killed by falling coconuts than shark attacks every year.”
Clearly, falling coconuts are pretty. fucking. dangerous. However, while numerous guides on how to avoid shark attacks or terrorist attacks or even drive-by shootings exist online, no such guide exists for falling coconuts. This is that very guide.[3]
Avoid Coconut Trees[edit | edit source]
This is pretty self-explanatory. At this very moment, I am in my house with a full roof. I am in absolutely no danger of dying by falling coconut. Why? Because I am not near any coconut trees.[4]
Don't Stand Under Coconut Trees[edit | edit source]
If you absolutely cannot avoid being near any coconut trees, that's fine. Millions of people[6] go near coconut trees and don't die. Well, they don't die right then. They probably die at some point later. They accomplish this by where they stand. If you stand a safe distance away from a coconut tree, you're very unlikely to get hit on the noggin by a coconut.[7]
Refrain from Shaking Coconut Trees[edit | edit source]
If for some reason, you must absolutely be under a coconut tree,[8] just don't shake the tree. All experts on deaths by coconut[9] agree that most coconut-related deaths come from shaking the tree, causing the coconut to fall. If you don't shake it, you're likely to make it out of your brush with death alive.
Wear a Helmet[edit | edit source]
I don't know why, but if for some reason you must shake a coconut tree, wear a helmet[10] when you do it. It's unknown whether or not this would help at all, due to a lack of funding for the study,[11] but it couldn't hurt. Well, the coconut hitting your head would hurt, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Uninvent Coconuts[edit | edit source]
If, for whatever reason, you need to stand under and shake a coconut tree without a helmet, there is still one other option: Uninvent coconuts. Simply request to join the Illuminati, go through their vigorus and possibly lethal acceptance test, then in one of their meetings, suggest the idea that they use the ⟨REDACTED⟩ to uninvent coconuts, then have the ⟨REDACTED⟩ make everyone forget about coconuts. CONGRAAAAAAAAGULATIONS! You just uninvented coconuts!
Make Peace with your God[edit | edit source]
If you need to shake a coconut tree while not wearing a helmet, and coconuts still exist, there's nothing anyone can do. Say goodbye to your loved ones. I'm sorry.
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References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Or falling vending machines, but that's not what this guide is about.
- ↑ You know which one.
- ↑ You're welcome.
- ↑ Relatively speaking.
- ↑ Well, coconuts tend to make a "doink" sound.
- ↑ Maybe even billions.
- ↑ Note: Very strong winds may make this point moot.
- ↑ If you're a tropical worker or something.
- ↑ I'm the only one.
- ↑ Your standard sporting helmet should do.
- ↑ Or any coconut-related deaths, for that matter.