HowTo:Be Canadian

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This article will teach you how to be Canadian. If you do not wish to become Canadian then you can just fuck off right now. Otherwise, keep reading.


First and foremost, you must learn to play hockey. Hockey is the most important thing about being a Canadian, hands down. If you do not know how to play hockey, or at the very least devote yourself to one of Canada's seven NHL teams, then you are doomed to be killed or worse, deported back to the US!

In Canada, young children are judged at a young age for their hockey potential during a special religious ceremony. If they are judged as too weak or talentless to play hockey, they are killed and turned into Solyent Green, which is used to feed the populace of Canada's many secret arctic cities. (Note: Polar bears cannot be used because they are protected by environmental law. Better to use the bodies of WORTHLESS NON-HOCKEY PLAYERS then alternatively cute or badass polar bears)

Spelling words right[edit]

One of the of the most surprisingly important things about becoming Canadian is adjusting your spelling habits. The word colour must be spelled correctly whenever it is written, at all times. The incorrectly spelled word "color" will summon a homicidal and insanity causing demon called Colorman. Colorman is the father of the most unholy demon ever born in Canada, a demon so vile it was exported to the USA for the protection of not only Canada but also of the entire world: Justin Beiber. Justin Beiber is not considered Canadian because s/he cannot play hockey.


To be Canadian is to be the very epitome of politeness and pacifism. Say a guy passes you on the highway, driving a snowmobile that is too big and has too many bumper stickers on it. In the barbaric USA, you would gladly flip him off, but in Canada that would be a big no no. Another example: In the USA, if someone kicks you in the balls (or if you're a girl, squeezes your breast) you would punch him or her in the motherfucking face, right? Not in Canada!

Someone burn down your house and kill your family? In the USA, you would hire a lawyer or two and get that motherfucker on the electric chair while collecting massive insurance payments from a privately owned company so you can get a new house on a beach or something. In Canada we don't have anything like a "privately owned company" (whatever the fuck that is anyway) and if your family dies from something and trivial as a house burning down, chances are they would have made lousy hockey players! You should thank the arsonist!

Being polite is so important it actually defines our international relations: if we wanted to, we could stomp all over the motherfucking world and conquer the middle east in months, making the USAmericans look like the bunch of pansies they truly are deep inside! But we don't, and you know why?

Because that would not be polite

Not to mention the fact that training an army means potentially good hockey players would be doing something other then playing hockey, which is a fucking horrible concept to even conceive of.

What would we have to gain by conquering the middle east anyway? A bunch of bozos who don't know what snow is and can't play hockey, that's what! Screw that!