HowTo:Eat a sandwich like a gentleman
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Okay, here's what you have to do, in bullet points:
- Act like your fingers are some delicate precision instrument, holding the sandwich as if you were playing a lute. Remember to chew silently and like a fairy, and never talk with your mouth full. Do not hit someone while you're chewing, and do not grimace period. Do not get any crumbs on your coat.
- Do not have more than one topping (including meat) on your sandwich, or you'll be accused of being a glutton, or worse, a pig. In addition, always eat whole grain bread, and adhere to a mostly vegeterian diet.
- It is always gentlemanly to take a moment from eating your sandwich to save a woman from some catastrophe, just ending your life. After all, it's easy to be a gentleman in heaven, and they have some wicked sandwiches there, too.
- Do NOT eat in a bar. Always eat at your house or some cafe where a truffle is thirty dollars. Always be polite and courteous.
- Do not wipe your nose, on a kleenex or otherwise, do not sneeze, do not cough, do not weeze, do not show pleghm in any way, do not urinate or defecate, and do not think of the floor as a bathroom. Giving into such ungentlemanly urges is barbaric.
- If all else fails, be a ponce.