HowTo:Get An Article Featured

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Listen 'hun, I've been around the block a few times, and I know what it takes, if you follow what I say before long you'll have so many gold starts your feature hole will be saggy and destroyed. Basically the way I see it you have three main obstacles to overcome...

Getting your article nominated

This is the tricky bit, nobody likes a self nom. Not even you, so don't do it. A review is a guarenteed method, good reviews allowing self nommage of an article to take place, but if you suck this is not an adviseable method. For the most part you will have to rely on cunning.

As with all true ninjas, the goal is to get your article on VFF before who knows what's happening. Stealth is largely negated by the big letters on recent changes that describe your actions to the world, as well as the "SELF NOM & FOR" you'll probably end up including on the vote page. Ameteur. Your best bet is to bring a mate on to the site, who can nom it for you, or creating a "mate", hinting that they're a high up user from some other site as to increase their street cred.

A satisfied customer, complete with featured article and confused banana transformation.

Great, your article is up for nomination, all you've got to do now is get people to vote for it. Ultimately, the aim of the game here is to get people to vote for your article without actually reading it:

Getting other users to vote for it:

1. Collab, write an article with as many people as humanely possible. With all this team effort one of two important things should happen:

i. The article will become so long that outsiders won't actually boher to read it, and mistake all the contributors and general talk page babble about it for quality, no matter how awful the article is. Testes handy hint of the day: Getting a "prolific user" with many past features to help out often puts peoples minds at ease, helping them to assume an article is good before they actually read it. Getting these people on board isn't always easy, so it is strongly adviced you invoke the ah mate clause to ensure their contribution.

ii. The writers who helped you create the article WILL vote for it. Only someth in recorded history has anyone voted against their own article, the more people who collaborate with you on it, the more assured votes you're getting.

2. Another good ploy is to lean heavily on injokes, links to articles by others, and links to the users themselves. As long as your article is not face rapingly bad they'll chuckle warmly and relate to your article, consolidating your vote count.

3. Vote for their artciles, whatever they have up for feature, love them, lavish their talk pages with adorned templates and offer to lick their scrotums for free. Everyone likes a salivary ball once in a while, it softens up the mind, amongst other things.

4. Become an admin. More specifically, a vampire. Vampire's can do whatever the hell they want, even demote other vampires. Demote everyone, lock everything so only you can edit it, and BAM, a monopoly on features is yours. Note: Wannabe Vampires go through rigorous mental and physical testing, and only those that prove themselves true to the cause, and unwavering in loyalty to upkeeping the rules progress, and by progress I don't mean become Vampires. They just get a heartfelt "cheers" on their talk page from Seppy, and told to "get back on with it". No opping. So in retrospect, ignore this last bit.

Writing the article

Whut?

Congratulations

If you've followed my instructions so far your article should be queued, and the gold star in the bag. If not, just spam VFF with every article you've ever created, and if that doesn't work, vandalize the tits out of the place, get banned, and cry.

(What not to do)

1. Write the best article ever, with or without others that someone will see, nominate, then eventually feature. This NEVER works, people will think you're from uncyclopedia and aim hurt at you.
2. Work off your dinner and precious revision time writing this guide.

So there.

Alternative Instructions

1. Just write an article instructing other users how to get features, which ironically will be featured itself. I love my life.

See Also

• HowTo:Not Get Your Article Featured