HowTo:Get the Girl of your dreams to Notice You

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So, you think you've found the one. That one special girl who brings tears to your eyes with her smile; who makes you tremble every time she speaks; who makes your belly button quiver every time she scratches her armpits. You'd like to get to know her INTIMATELY. But there's only one problem: SHE DOESN'T NOTICE YOU!!

What can you do to get the attention of this wonderful, wonderful girl? Well, fear not. Just follow these simple steps.

A) Say hello to her whenever you see her, even if she's 300 feet away in a crowded room.

B) Try to make her laugh with funny jokes, and if you can't think of anything funny to say, make a high-pitched gurgling noise in the back of your throat.

C) Make fleeting eye contact with her at odd moments.

D) Have four-second conversations with her on the internet. Talk about ceramic tiles.

E) Urinate on any other male who comes near her.

F) Write "pubic hair!" on a piece of paper, and tape it to her thigh.

G) Remove one of your nonvital organs and send it to her as a sign of devotion.

H) Write a love poem for her, then burn it because it isn't any good.

I) Whisper the word "toe" in her ear at an unexpected moment.

J) Crawl under a table whenever she coughs.

K) Stare openly at her breasts with your mouth slightly open.

L) Throw dvds at her.

M) Bang your head against a wall whenever a conversation with her doesn't end in a marriage proposal.

N) Vomit.

O) Mail a bottle of your own bodily fluids to her father.

P) Stomp on her toes as hard as you possibly can.

Q) Tell her you're a fanatic collector of funnel web spiders. Bonus points if you can take handfuls of them out of your pockets whilst telling her this.

R) Tell her you're a serial killer. Bitches love a serial killer.

*results may vary