HowTo:Impersonate a Boulder

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Impersonating a Boulder is perhaps the most valuable life skill any human being can ever learn, except possibly Impersonating a Half-Full Can of Diet Pepsi in Nebraska. Learning to be a good boulder can take months of practice and years to perfect. But today, in THIS article, I'm going to outline the steps so YOU can begin your transformation and enter the elite world of boulder impersonation.

Step One

Get fat. Have you ever seen a skinny boulder? I doubt it. If you have, it was probably a stick.

Step Two

Paint yourself grey. Or Gray. Either way, you're the wrong color at the moment. Boulders aren't whitish pink, they're grey. So dump gray paint on yourself.

Step Three

Skip this step. It isn't important.

Step Four

Do NOT skip this step, because it's the most important of all.

Step Five

This step is somewhat important, but you can skip it if you're in a hurry.

Step Six

Repeat steps Three to Five.

Step Seven

Repeat step six.

Step Eight

Paint yourself gray again. At this point, the paint should have fallen off after repeating those last steps so many times.

Step Nine

Paint yourself grey again. Seriously, you can never have enough gray paint on yourself. Or grey paint. I can't remember how to spell that word. Isn't that awful?

Step Ten

Chop off your legs and arms.

Boulders don't HAVE legs and arms. If you want to look like a realistic boulder, get rid of them. Use a chainsaw. It's the most fun.

Step eleven

Check to make sure the gray paint is still on your body. Also, check to make sure that you're still sufficiently obese. Then, lie down next to some other boulders, and stop moving. Remain there for eternity.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU have now succesfully become a boulder.

What are you scrolling down for? The article ended back up in the "congratulations" section. Go read something else!!!

Seriously, go away! If you're expecting a punch line, I'm NOT writing one! I wanted to write one, but I couldn't think of anything.

I'm sorry to dissapoint you, but there is NO punchline! Go away!!!!

What, you still reading? What is your problem? I'M NOT WRITING A PUNCHLINE!!

Okay, fine. This article DOES have a punchline, but it isn't funny at all. This is it, incidentally.