HowTo:Peel an Apple

Fig. 1.

“Today, I do not wish to consume an apple. I shall seek alternative fruits.”

~ Darth Vader on apples

So, you want to peel an apple? Well you've started on an exciting (and very smelly) journey! This set if instructions will guide through the unnecessary steps of molasses production apple peeling. Before beginning this tutorial, please ensure your apple is not of the Macintosh variety as peeling your iPod will void the warranty. Also if your dog is named Apple do not peel it because the skin starts to run in circles!

Introduction

Apples sare awesome, they taste funny and also make me get the runs. Teachers also love them, don't ask me why but they do. Maybe it's because they want to throw it at their pesky neighbor who likes to steal thei balloons!

Things You'll Need

• Well obviously you need two eye balls. If you are missing one like John Wayne, I'm sorry, but you can't peel your apple.
• Then you need KNIFE. KNIFE cuts teh apple which you will purchase later. It makes it peeled and then you can make apple sauce, apple nose, apple pie, apple dog food, and apple flavored slugs.
• Lastishly of all you need the apple. Buy one at your local dentist office and then you can peel it!

Step 1

Step numero uno requires the sacrifice of a lone goat in the process of peeeling an orange, so lucky for us we are peeling an apple. Instead, you have to sacrifice your... eh... pet fish that you bought at PETCO. Then when you do that the apple will be ripe. I have absolutely no idea why, but it will be ready.

Step 2

Step numbah too requires taking the apple and KNIFE. Hold KNIFE and look at the shining blade with your eyes gleaming and shining and jumping around. This is where you need two eyes. KNIFE aka machine has a little switch saying ON look at that too.

Step 3

Finally, turn the machine on. KNIFE should now begin to peel the apple, lightly skimming the protective layer of the fruit to reveal the tender innards. Apple peel is useless so you should throw it away - seriously, don't even compost it because it will explode into flames.

Disclaimer

This guide does not promote, condone, or otherwise legitimize the peeling of apples. The authors and the site on which this guide is hosted (http://illogicopedia.org) take no responsibility for injury, death or living-undeath that may result from apple peeling. Following this guide, or any line therein signifies that you have agreed to these terms.