HowTo:Predict the Future with Poop

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There are many psychics out there who know of the arts of palms, crystal balls, and tea leaves. But few people know that a man's destiny can also be predicted by carefully observing his fecal excrements. In case that wasn't clear enough, I mean poop. That's right. Poop. That stuff that comes out of your butt.

The next time you poop, don't flush. Instead, stand up and look inside the bowl. How is the poop shaped? What shade of brown, black, or magenta is it? How many poops are in there? Or is it difficult to tell? How is the poop's consistency? All of these factors, combined, can reveal quite a lot about your destiny. For instance, three round poops indicate that, at some point in the future, you will eat. Four larger, more erratically shaped poops indi--

NOTICE: this article has been deemed unacceptable by the Center for Family Values on Illogicopedia. Poop is not funny, and if any small children were to read this article, they would be scarred for life and they'd probably grow up to be cannibals. Poop is not funny. Pee, on the other hand, is hilarious. That reminds me of a really funny joke about pee in a baby bottle--


The previous notice has been deemed unnacceptable by the Center for Family Values in Notices on Illogicopedia. We're actually rather excited that we finally got to DO something here at the Center. We're normally rather bored. This sort of unnacceptable behaviour in notices doesn't happen very often, you see. Normally, we just sit around our offices, reading magazines, playing board games, jamming cucumbers into each other's--(Notice: the preceding notice has been deemed unnacceptable by the Center for Monitoring Unnacceptable Notices that are about other Unnacceptable Notices. We would like to add that this article is ridiculous and we're ashamed to be a part of it. We knew we were going to end up in this article though. We predicted it. We could read it in our poop.

And so on and so forth.