HowTo:Qualify for Your Murder to be called an Assassination

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from the depths of Illogicopedia's Mass Cheese Reserves.

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Okay, you know you're gonna die right?

But it's boring to see the page 12 headline that says "Local man murdered" and people just move on.


You want it to say -

Important Man Assassinated

That's right.

You want your untimely demise to be FRONT PAGE NEWS, so, here's what you gotta do.

What You Gotta Do[edit]

Step 1: Become Famous - I can't help you with this one. Go on American Idol or something.
Step 2: Strongly Take One Extreme Side on a Range of Political Issues - It doesn't matter if you actually believe in what you say! Just act like you do! Become known as some kind of saint or even The Antichrist (though the latter is hard to pull off). Give yourself a following of worshipers who would kill their mothers for you.
Step 3: Make a Reason for People to Hate You - If your stance on political issues is not enough, cheat on your wife a couple of times or fabricate a molestation scandal. Make it so people that liked you still like you, people that didn't have an opinion on you still don't have an opinion on you BUT make sure that the people who kinda sorta disliked you absolutely loathe you. In short, be any American athlete.
Step 4: Wait for Your Death - Perhaps the easiest part. Just wait. Say some more bullshit and hopefully someone will decide your death must come.
Secret Step 5: Aftermath - The people who liked/loved you will now center their entire lives around you, the people who didn't have an opinion on you will look at you as a hero and those who hated you will either join the group looking at you as a hero or make their hatred a secret and only reveal it while their friends are talking about how great of a person you will (this will end with the you-hater blowing up on his friends, thus making them weirded out and causing an awkward situation). In short, you will become a legend.

Alternate Route[edit]

  • Abolish Slavery
  • Be the first Catholic president
  • Be the greatest of the Beatles.

*...or be black.