I split my daughter in half

Day before yesterday, my 14-year-old daughter was playing on the trampoline. As you do, you trust them, so we don't have any barrier around the trampoline itself. She got a text message from her new boyfriend or whatever and decided, stupidly, to keep on bouncing, but she bounced closer and closer to the edge of the trampoline, until she dropped off, right onto her head.

After that moment I immediately checked if she was conscious -- of which she was, she was breathing okay, everything vital seemed to be okay. However, during this moment, in a fit of panic, I end up standing on my own injured daughter. The result was tragic -- I split my daughter in half. At this rate I had already phoned an ambulance, but they said that they would be up to an hour, as all active crew were dealing with a man having his head stuck up a vagina. I thought -- "fuck this, fuck the NHS, fuck Jeremy Cunt, fuck her boyfriend (maybe not), fuck everything." During this split second rant I decided that the only option was to take her to A&E in two pieces. I carried one half (her lower abdomen and legs) in one arm and the other half in the other. That's when I thought...hmm...can't I sellotape my daughter together, like Humpty Dumpty? My wife and I did this in the car, just to temporarily hold her together.

When we arrived at accident and emergency, we explained that there had been a small complication with a fall and that Milly had split into two. We're not sure how she survived anyway, but she did nevertheless. And you know the guy who had his head stuck up a vagina? It was her boyfriend. Hah, cunt.

If you're inside a vagina, nobody can hear you scream!