Ikitikihikibiki

The Sting of the Bacon Monkey

Once a long time ago, there was a boy. He didn't have a name, because his parents never bothered. Everyone called him Ikitikihikibiki. Anyway, Ikitikihikibiki was lonely a lot, and spent a lot of time in the woods by himself. He would wander around and collect sticks and put them in a pile all day. Through the years, his pile grew rather large.

However, due to his lack of social interaction, he grew up weird and awkward. Nobody liked Ikitikihikibiki, and they would make fun of him if he ever happened to wander out in public. The kids would throw bacon grease on him, because he was allergic to bacon. Whenever he came into contact with bacon, his legs would shrink and his arms would grow and his hair would grow really long in like an instant and he looked like some sort of bacon covered gorilla. This was a painful transition, and afterwards all the kids would point at him and laugh. They called him Ikitikihikibiki the Bacon Monkey.

He struggled in school, because by the time he made it to class, he had usually been covered in bacon grease and turned into a gorilla. Gorillas are not very good in class, so he failed practically everything, except monkey class. I'm not sure why that was part of the curriculum but it was.

And this is the way that Ikitikihikibiki's life went. He would go to school, the kids would throw bacon grease on him, he would turn into Ikitikihikibiki the Bacon Monkey, get laughed at, run home, cry in the woods and collect sticks to make a giant pile.

Then one day, by some inexplicable miracle of Chief Sitting Suck, God of Rain, Ikitikihikibiki actually graduated from High School. As a prank, the entire highschool thought it would be funny to drown Ikitikihikibiki in grease. So they kidnaped him after he got his diploma and threw him into a giant cement mixer filled with bacon grease. They welded the back end shut, and turned on the drum.

Then they left Ikitikihikibiki there for the night.

When the townsfolk awoke the next morning, they were in for a surprise. The entire city was covered in bacon grease and monkey hair. and there was a giant crater where the cement mixer once had been. There was no sign of Ikitikihikibiki anywhere (except for the monkey hairs). The town did the only thing any town could in a situation like this. They called Batman.

We'll long story short, Batman never showed up. What they don't tell you on TV is that he is paid by the minute and the people of this quiet little bacon covered town could never afford him. Rather than Batman, they were sent Slug Man! We'll bacon is pretty salty, so Slug Man! shriveled up and died almost immediately. This was the end of Slug Man!

And that was the story of how Slug Man! was destroyed.

The town decided they didn't really care about Ikitikihikibiki and nobody ever heard from him again, also, he died.