Hairy Peter and the Writer's So Stoned: Chapter Four

Chapter Four

The Invisible Street… which makes me wonder how Hairy and Haggis got through it alive

HAIRY must have had a bajillion questions to ask Haggis. The first one was “Who are you?”

“Jes’ call me Haggis,” said Haggis, “everyone does. I’m the gamekeeper at Halfwits.”

“Halfwits?” said Hairy, but before he knew it, Haggis was screaming his head off at Uncle Albert, Aunt Dramatica and Glockenspiel.

“WHADAYAMEAN, YOU DIDN’T TELL HIM ABOUT US???” Haggis yelled at Uncle Albert. Then Haggis turned to Hairy and told him: “You’re a wizard, Hairy.”

His words echoed throughout the books and movie theaters and onto the front page of Encyclopædia Dramatica, where they were crudely posted in six different colors of the rainbow, right underneath the words “In Lulz We Trust” and above the word “LOLDONGS.” Yecch.

“I’m not a wizard,” said Hairy.

“Really? Pfft,” said Haggis. “Haven’t you noticed anything strange happening lately? It’s your wizard powers, Hairy!”

Now that he saw it in this flashback, he had been doing stuff recently. When Aunt Dramatica gave him a lousy haircut, didn’t he grow it back? When Glockenspiel and his friends were chasing Hairy, didn’t he beam up to the starship Enterprise? And most recently, when Glockenspiel punched him at the zoo, didn’t he make the glass disappear? Didn’t he release Harvey the Wonder Hamster on Glockenspiel?

“Were my parents wizards?” asked Hairy.

“Yup, both your mum an’ dad were wizards,” said Haggis, “at least until they got murdered by… by…”

“Who?” asked Hairy.

“I can’t say ‘is name,” said Haggis.

“Say it,” said Hairy.

“Okay,” said Haggis. “ ‘Is name was… Lord Volkswagen.” Thunder clashed at his name. “Don’t makes me say it again, ‘Arry. Though it sounds like a German line of cars, Volkswagen is pure evil, no redeeming qualiti—oops, I said his name again! Heh heh… Let’s just call him ‘You-Know-Who,’ shall we?”

• • •

“Welcome to Dialtone Alley,” said Haggis.

Hairy got a strange feeling that Dialtone Alley was invisible. Perhaps it was because the title of the freakin’ chapter is “The Invisible Street,” morons!

The first place on Dialtone Alley they stopped was a place known as Dingus, where they went inside to get a bunch of gold. After leaving Dingus, they went to get Hairy a new wand.

Hairy tried out all the wands but none of them worked for him. Just then, the maker of the wands said “Here,” and handed him a wand. “Birch wood, uvula of platypus.”

As soon as Hairy touched the wand, he felt a strange warmth… and then realized that the reason was because the wand had just peed in his hand. While Hairy started to complain to the wand maker, his wand started humping him on the leg.

“That means he likes you!” said the wand maker. “It’s all yours.”

“Hey!”

But before Hairy could say another word, he was in a completely different part of Dialtone Alley. This part was a bookstore. There were tons of books on the shelves everywhere. Harry looked through all of them. So many books! There was How To Be Funny and Not Just Stupid, How To Fire Your Lazer (or “Shoop da Whoop”), How To Survive the Two Girls, One Cup Video Without Needing Serious Psychiatric Care, How To Make Subtle References to Various Internet Memes…

“Here we go!” said Haggis, handing Hairy Witchcraft and Wizardry for Dummies. They took the book up to the front counter.

“How much is this book?” asked Hairy.

“It’s pretty banged up,” said the cashier. “At best, I can give you $4.20.”

“Ya moron!” said Haggis. “He’s not sellin’ da book! He’s buyin’ it!”

“I see. Well then, the price will be $25.25.”

• • •

Later on, Hairy was sitting around getting his robe measured for him when he turned and saw a creepy white-haired boy. Kind of like an albino version of Justin Beiber.

“Hi there,” said the white-haired boy. “You going to Halfwits too?”

“Yes,” said Hairy.

“Your parents wizards?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Mine too. I don’t think they should let boggles be in our school. Boggles are just completely retards.”

“Whatever.”

“Drano’s the name. Drano Malpractice. I hope I’ll be going to Slipnslide this year, my whole family did. Imagine if they put me in Flavorflav—I’d be a total wuss then.”

Hairy hated the white-haired boy, and suddenly, so did everybody in the audience.

• • •

“…And then he said that they shouldn’t let boggles into Halfwits, whatever that means…”

“Yeh wants to know what a boggle is, eh?” said Haggis. “A boggle is someone who doesn’t know about magic. Don’t worry, you’re not a boggle. You have magic parents, plus your uncle on your dad’s side is Chuck Norris, and he’s the most magical wizard ever. So don’t worry.”

“Okay,” said Hairy, feeling a bit reassured. “But then he said that he wanted to go to Slipnslide and didn’t want to go to Flavorflav! What are Slipnslide and Flavorflav?”

“Halfwits houses. There’s a rumor that people at Flavorflav are brainless morons, ever since Sarah Palin went to Flavorflav.”

“I bet I’ll be at Flavorflav.”

“Better than Slipnslide. You-know-who went to Slipnslide. We’ll be heading back home soon, but first we need to make one more stop.”

This one stop was a horrible smelling place. People sat down on disgusting chairs in-gesting horrible filth. Ugly monsters served it to other people. It smelled so bad, even Hairy’s newfound owl Headcheese covered her nose.

“Ugh!” said Hairy. “What is this horrible place?”

“McDonalds!” said Haggis. “Aren’t you hungry?”