IllogiNews:24/7

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

YOU HAVE JUST TUNED IN TO ?NEWS:24/7

HOT OFF THE PRESS!

1000's die in central Pengland, witnesses claim the deceased had simply forgotten how to breathe. Government teachers are being dispatched in order to contain the issue, though many fear it is to complex an issue to cover in the alloted 20 seconds.

THIS JUST IN!

The script I read from is actually an erotic novel, "The Darling Breasts of May."

CULTURE SECTION!

Culture, yeah! uhh, parade in honour of all the imported sausage rolls that were consumed during World War II took place this morning. However rain stopped play.

BREAKING NEWS!

Statistics show that aggressive men with guns are more likely to offer you a beverage than paralysed amputees. This fresh evidence is likely to help push the Government's proposal [to deport the limbless] through the house of commons when it comes up for debate tomorrow.

I R 1337 NEWS REPORTTAR!

Rockin'.

OVER TO TERRRY FOR THE WEATHER!

Well folks it seems that you might as well look out your window and check your beromitor, 'cos we haven't got a clue.

TO OUR ETHNIC CORRESPONDANT JUST OUTSIDE THE NEWSROOM!

Thank you Michael. Well a lot is happening out here, a man with a peculiar hat walked part just five minutes ago (more on that later), and me 'n some of the guys are taking bets from pedestrians on which of our chickens will kill the other.

BACK TO MICHAEL IN THE NEWSROOM!

Awesome there Amir. I'll put a fiver on the red one.

Now over to news in your local area.

...noobs

REGIONAL NEWS!

*Yawn*

STAY TUNED!

This just in: We need the ratings. So stay tuned or your dead. Yeah, I can see you, I can always see you....

A QUICK LOOK AT SOMETHING IRRELEVANT WITH A FORMER "TELEVISION PERSONALITY!"

Thanks Ken, as I was saying....

Bla, bla, bla, bla, bla....

...yes, indeed the habits of dead snails are very interesting. You can note the smooth contours give it the look of a slug. Maybe even a de-shelled barnacle; very interesting indeed...

...Bla bla bla...

So what if I did? Bill Oddie is very attractive this time of year....

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaa, blaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

Back to you in the studio.

BREAKINGER NEWS!

The whole Illogicopedia Administration left Illogicopedia earlier today in an effort to rescue their terminally ill Wikipedia article, leaving the site open for ?-wide vandal attacks. More on that later.
Inmates at Illogicopedia's Jailhouse have complained after soap was fitted with a leather grip and handle. This is in response to a spate of soap droppings, AAH is thought to be behind it.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW!

Oh wait, no it isn't. This is 24 hour news, that means, you have to put up with me and the annoying fame-grabbing losers I called friends for all eternity!!!!!!!! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!!!

Or you could reach that extra yard and change the channel?