IllogiNews:Horoscopes for December, 2012
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.
- Aries - Your alpaca-squid hybrid will find employment as a security guard at Wal*Mart.
- Taurus - A gang of Christian fruit will attack you outside your favorite restaurant. Wear a helmet, as they like to hit you on the head with assault-style bibles.
- Gemini - Stop breathing just to see what happens. Lather, rinse, repeat.
- Cancer - Pull my finger.
- Leo - There's no I in freaks. Go out there and be the best damned gamer you can be.
- Virgo - Join the Communist party, just to be an anachronist.
- Libra - Stop painting over for sale signs.
- Scorpio - I know you want to push that snappy dresser in front of a train. Resist the urge with nicotine gum.
- Sagittarius - You have no future in politics. Try your hand at impersonating potted plants.
- Capricorn - Demons will torment you for the next six months, so get used to it.
- Aquarius - Replace your light bulbs with hammers and save money.
- Pisces - Stop scratching, you'll only make it worse.