IllogiNews:Santa unemployed, Christmas cancelled

Santa fleeing crucifixion at hands of angry lynch mob.

North Pole -- Christmas has been cancelled this year, after Santa was found lifeless in an inner-city flophouse at the end of a long battle with alcoholism, chronic unemployment and a little too much egg nog.

His troubles started when he was successfully sued by three elves whom he'd sacked and replaced with temporary workers in 2004. They worsened in 2005 when he was thrown out of a Mission Viejo Mall because his beard wasn't white enough.

He narrowly escaped being shot down over Pakistan by Predator drones after US Homeland Insecurity mistook his distinctive red hat for a turban and began to suffer post-traumatic stress after a near-collision with a civilian airliner.

He briefly recovered, only for Herrod's to sack him in 2006 for asking a family ‘What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be shopping in Tesco?’ Forced to endorse all manner of worthless products in order to make ends meet, he became despondent and began to hit the egg nog in one of a long series of bouts with alcoholism. He tried to get back on his feet again but was sacked from an Australian store in 2007 for saying his trademark phrase "ho ho ho", which is offensive to women.

In 2008, he was sacked from Selfridges in London after asking Grandma if she wanted to sit on his lap and was run out of Liverpool after his criminal record came to light. He was then sacked by a Birmingham mall for taking mobile phone calls from the JobCentre while on duty.

The subprime mortgage collapse meant that there were no houses to which to deliver gifts that year because they had all been repossessed by the bank. It was a grim year and Santa sank deep into depression, at one point psychiatrists diagnosing him as bipolar after he inexplicably woke up at the South Pole after a very grim night.

In 2009, he was sacked from a Toronto mall for giving out candy canes to shoppers who didn't pay to take a photo and run out of Sydney Airport for “inappropriate gestures to the elves.”

In 2010, Santa was fired from Macy's for saying "if they ask why Santa is so jolly, I joke that it’s because I know where all the naughty boys and girls live" and unceremoniously ejected by an Australian pre-school "so not to offend religious groups".

He began to appear on street corners, panhandling for spare change, and displayed increasing anxiety after it became apparent he stood to lose his home at the North Pole to global warming.

In 2011, he was sacked from an Ayrshire garden centre as management objected that he was "over-stepping his role by trying to influence the way our Christmas events are run" and run out of a Hoboken elementary school once a Jewish parent objected.

Losing his workshop in personal bankruptcy, he tried to re-establish the operation as a third-world sweat shop powered by child labour and the quality of toys dropped precipitously. His few remaining sponsors abandoned him and the once-steady stream of milk and cookies ground to a screeching halt.

In 2012, he was sacked from the Maine Mall in South Portland for being rude and grumpy and ejected from Lowe's Toronto Christmas Market for stating what everyone outside Toronto already knows... 'Oh, you're wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs tuque; you shouldn't be wearing that, they suck.'

With Rudolf in prison for drug offences, Dancer leaving to work in a run-down strip joint and the Maple Leafs unable to pull the sled in the reindeer's place as they've been useless on the ice since 1968, it became clear that there would be no way to distribute any presents even if they could be made in time for Christmas.

Eventually the pressure became too much. Unable to hold down a steady job or finance the cost of buying any more gifts, Santa began sleeping in alleyways, freebasing incense and injecting egg nog from dirty pine needles. He was soon found lifeless and all attempts to resuscitate him failed, but by then it was too late. Sinterklaas had already spread COVID-19 into the old folks' home, killing 26 people and infecting 125. The carnage was complete.

The teacher broke the news in class; as of today, there is no Santa Claus. She was then promptly sacked.