IllogiNews:Teenager cleans room for first time in years
This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
Arkham, Massachusetts — Yesterday Sally Fairfoot, 19, cleaned her room for the first time in roughly three years. "I'm not sure when I cleaned it last," she admitted to reporters. "Maybe 2016, 2015. A while ago."
According to her parents, they had better things to do than tell her to clean her room. "I've been so busy," said her father, Nathan Fairfoot. "What with Sunflower cutting the dandelion programs, I have to work all day. Then I have to go back in time with my time machine and do it over again, and I have to make sure there aren't any extra copies of me afterward. It's a pain in the butt." Giant Sunflower, the current American president, has cut funding for everything related to dandelions in order to pay for his fifty-foot Easter Bunny robot. Even fellow members of the Sunflower Party refuse to fund the project, despite his passionate speeches about how it will restore the Christian spirit to the American people.
Fairfoot said her room was a "horrible mess" prior to being cleaned. "Well, not exactly horrible," she clarified. "Maybe awful." IllogiNews could not see it in person, but Fairfoot provided photographic evidence showing that the room had contained large piles of "junk" — including trash and dirty laundry — that significantly impeded entering the room and accessing the bed and closet. "It's so much better in here. There's all this empty floor," she said, looking pleased with herself.
Fairfoot would not have been able to work on her room at this time were she still attending college. She claims to have dropped out of Miskatonic University last year because it had been taken over by "teeps" — members of the Teep Party, a far-center organization dedicated to covering houses, trees and other private property with toilet paper. "It was really annoying. They kept breaking into the dorm rooms and putting the stuff everywhere. Some of it was used, too. Gross."
The leader of the Teep Party, Kelsey Bester, was not available for comment. Her receptionist answered the call and stated that Bester could not respond because she had recently "kicked the farm".