Illogicopedia:Illogimail/Apple Computer
You are not entitled to view results of this poll before you have voted.
Dearest fruit of the Silicon Valley (well, in all actuality, the only fruit of the Silicon Valley, but nonetheless...),
It has come to my attention that you exist. Go figure. Not only that, but you exist with a fair amount of omnipotence. Who knew that what was an erstwhile companion to other such successes as post-ET Atari and Sony Betamax is now in the black? Clearly not I. Thusly, I found out when I investigated the little apple-shaped logo on my iPod, and - lo and behold! - Apple Computer, Inc. was the copyright owner. Personally, I think your logo should be more identifiable to a commoner such as myself. I don't know what techno mumbo-jumbo you guys conjured up to conceptualize it, but I suggest going simpler. As an avid drinker of Bass Ale (twelve an hour at my peak), I suggest looking to that instantly recognizable and utterly unique shape for inspiration.
In addition to finally learning of your existence (which explains all those charming commercials with the "Accepted" lad, I suppose. I wonder how far down the toilet his career has fallen if that's what he's doing now?), I have tried out your new Leopard computer, and I must say that it completely failed to meet my expectations. When I buy something called "Leopard", that claims to be "faster and sleeker than ever" or some such nonsense, I expect a real-live robotic fucking leopard! What do I get? iTunes! Big deal, I can get that on my PC and NOT spend $1,500. Honestly, men, you should be above false advertising. I mean, a fast and sleek computerized leopard would be cool...
But where are my manners? I've done nothing but whinge and moan since I began this letter. I guess I should compliment something. Well, since you put me on the spot, I guess the iPod is pretty damn good. But what I really dig is Steve Jobs' hair. Wait, he doesn't have hair? My bad!
Cordially,
Ljlego
My Go[edit | edit source]
Dear Apple Boss (The Big Apple)
Last week I traveled down to PC World and payed a princely sum for my new "Apple Computer," only to find it's useless. Whichever way I try it, with ice cream, on it's own, or in a crumble after lunch it simply refuses to be edible. My face is red and my teeth hurt, my grandma's even gone down to hospital with a suspected computer virus. Unless changes are made immediately I fear I may have to sue you for false advertising and deceit.
Yours hungrily,
Testostereich
P.S. I wouldn't be too worried: my lawyer is a sandwich
P.P.S. An ex sandwich
P.P.P.S. Grandma's going to be alright - they've inocullated her with some antivirus software and surrounded her bed with a firewall.