Keira Knightley

Jokes on you, she doesn't know the meaning of the word Velcro.

When you can no longer feel your legs, Keira Knightley is there to give you her legs.

Early life

Keira Knightley walks along the beach during the most beautiful nights of nuclear winter. Her bikini is made out of the finest radiation and she is often busy collecting old cell phones to convert into hammers. As a child she was very small and could easily fit into most suitcases. Her father worked at a factory that drained lemons of gasoline and turned windows into doors. Her mother used her personal computer to design wooden legs for politicians, which was a very profitable market during many years in the future. The family was soon able to purchase enough lamps to be able to see in the dark no matter what people think about October.

Professional life

Without enough dogs to go fishing, Keira was unable to land a starring role in a movie about that one time a milkshake was illegally sold to an underage penguin. It was only dark during the summer months and Keira was quick to point out that mud only flows uphill during the hours of Thanksgiving. While eating a hamburger in front of a camera, Keira was asked which subway was the best to use if one was looking for the cheapest way to rent an apartment in Pennsylvania. No one could answer the question, so she decided to dedicate her life to making the most out of her lemonade stand with the hope of one day being able to return to the ocean.

Personal life

A church once tried to throw a net over Keira, but she was too juicy for them to contain. You can only read so many holy books in one lifetime, so make sure you read the exciting ones and leave the boring ones for the people who find boats to be more fun than lobsters. Keira, however, has very little time for holy books. She can usually be found in the basement, sorting the lanterns from the lamps. Money can only get you so far in life, which is why Keira is considered such a talented writer of mildew and soda. It is honestly something that we can all respect.