Magcargo (Pokémon)

• 

  IT'S LIVING ESCARGOT!!!! DIGESTING IT DIDN'T KILL IT!!!!!! OH GOD I SHOULDN'T HAVE OVER-COOKED IT!!!!!!!1!!!!11!!

• 

  Slugma is staring into someone's soul. It sees seaweed ducks eating chocolate croissants.

• Http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/170/a/f/no 219 magcargo by pokemonfromhell-d3jdk9m.png

  It's a delicacy. Yum.

• Chewy meowth s magcargo by rasec wizzlbang-d612aus.png

  Magcargo wants you to pass the beer.

• 1371649239-31280300.jpg

  "Collect" is short for "Collecting the souls of your unhatched eggs".

Magcargo is a lava snail that literally burns with the power of 1.8 suns. It is #219 in the Pokédex, and evolves from the derpy yet creepy Slugma. He/she would also prefer if you delete all the "%7C"'s in the links.

(Cuz they end up there somehow.)

They're the bane of a snail Pokémon's existence.

Touching A Magcargo

Making contact with a Magcargo is very risky. There is a good chance that the fires emitting from its shell will cause a third-degree burn, and cold-to-the-touch gloves won't help. Directly touching the shell will cause it to crumble slightly, making the Magcargo slowly become Turbo with a Cyndaquil-style back.

Of course, some people are willing to take the risk of harvesting one of these flaming demons from snail hell, kill them, and almost immediately serve them as escargot. However, the shell is usually taken off and replaced with a shell of kaolin, a chalk-like dirt commonly eaten by pregnant Georgia women. I mean, come on, would you want to have a mouthful of "Hawaiian limestone"? Yes, I just called molten rock Hawaiian limestone. Deal with it.

Habitat

These... things are commonly found lurking on and in volcanoes, such as Stark Mountain and St. Hellens. I said "St. Hellens" because it went to hell because it killed others upon "dying". How many times am I gonna say "hell" in this article, anyways? Well, at least I'm talking about the opposite of Heaven.

With about 22 or so exceptions, a Magcargo's father is rarely not another Magcargo, due to the blistering heat that the impregnation takes place in. The occasional pile of toxic waste, chandelier caught in a tornado, double-brained gelatinous blob, and/or pedophile balloon may pass on one of their talents if they manage to avoid burning into atoms, but this will usually only occur in captivity, such as a daycare center - OH GOD MY PRECIOUS FEMALE SERVINE IS BURNING!!!!!!1!!!111!!!!!1!!!11!!!!

And now, intermission. Epic Yamask for use on Pokémon Showdown.

AztecPrincess (Yamask) (F) @ Oran Berry

Ability: Mummy

Level: 5

EVs: 100 HP / 186 Atk / 12 Def / 186 SAtk / 12 SDef / 12 Spd

Sassy Nature

IVs: 0 Spd

- Trick Room

- Calm Mind

- Shadow Ball

- Thief

What This Bugger Can Do

Magcargo is able to build up energy caused by nuclear fusion inside its fragile shell, then spew it out at whatever it's up against (which will probably be the dual-double-type-advantage-ultra-powerful Seismitoad, which will then be officially ****ed if it's sunny out). If a Magcargo knows this move, it has been captured.

The soul of this hellsnail thingamabober is also able to possess the mantle of the very Earth itself, causing this to happen: [[1]]. Doesn't look too impressive? Well, just think of this: all f that energy is being focused into ONE TINY SPOT. Now, do you see what I'm goin' at here?

And that was just in 2011!

Now we have Confide, the move occupying the space inside the long-awaited TM100. If your Pokémon learns this move, it will be taught a secret that only leaves it unfazed... but is absolute torture for any other Pokémon. Upon using this move, it will whisper the secret into whatever is opposing it.

And guess who can learn this move?

Almost all of them! Because fuck this page.