Out of control

I am absolutely not out of control. My life is in perfect control. The newspapers on the floor of my living room and the laundry on the floor of my bedroom, that was all planned. It is part of my efficient system to keep things that need doing in sight so that I have a visual cue. And the dishes on my kitchen counter? They are my visual cue to put them away, as soon as I figure out where "away" is. Okay, so my bathroom needs cleaning too. Just because my bathroom counter is full of items doesn't mean the whole room is out of control. You say the toilet is dirty too? But I just cleaned it yesterday! And I just cleaned the floor last week! Don't tell me kitty litter got tracked AGAIN? Okay, I admit it, my house is slightly out of control.

The half-eaten 2-lb bag of jellybeans, that was also part of my plan. I planned to eat no more than 2 every five minutes. Time for another two. (Munch, chew, chew, gulp.) Come to think of it, I really should substitute carrots for those jellybeans, but jellybeans are so much tastier. Unless I'm craving something savory and salty. Like popcorn. Or an entire can of corn. Or one can of green beans and one can of corn (the healthy option). Or a loaded, stuffed baked potato with everything on it. In fact, I think I'll have one right now....or as soon as the microwave timer goes off. My doctor says I really should stick to lean meats and vegetables, so I had a package of meat for dinner. Yes, the whole thing got eaten by me. That should be nice and high in protein, and a high protein diet is a good thing, right? I even had a few baby carrots to go with it, since vegetables are supposed to be good for me. I think I'll reward myself with a few more jellybeans. All right, all right, perhaps my diet is out of control. That would probably have something to do with the fact that some booths don't fit me properly and some chairs with arms don't fit my hips properly, and my feet feel the pressure whenever I go walking. Fine, my weight is out of control too.

My driving is under control. I never cut people off in traffic or drive above the speed limit. Except when the speed limit is too slow. Really now, 35 mph on Interstate 90? During Rush hour? I don't care if they call it "variable speed" lanes or what they call it, I call it too slow. I leave my turn signals on for no more than 4 seconds. Unless, of course, they get mistaken for the windshield wipers. Fortunately that doesn't happen very often, if you know what I mean. I also never block intersections. Except when the signal is letting through one car per light. How else am I supposed to get past that signal otherwise? You would think they would time them better or something to keep traffic from backing up. Its not fair that three or four of the other lanes get to go but my lane doesn't get to go. So I'm going, like it or not. Besides, I hear honking, so what difference does it make if its coming from behind me or from the lanes I have to block to make it through the light? Wait a minute, what was that, a finger? That's out of control.

I have perfect control of my moods. HEAR ME, PERFECT CONTROL! AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, I'LL....I'LL...I'll think of something later. Something devious that you'll regret later. Revenge is a dish best served cold, they say....now to go find some nice cold recipes, if you know what I mean.