Sargon of Akkad
Sargon of Akkad is actually a guy named Ben Schmend, who didn't like his name, and so legally changed it to Sargon of Akkad because it sounded cool. For eight months, he test drove the name in douche bag bars picking up chicks, in some douche bag's office doing some douche bag business, at some douche bag's house doing some douche bag things, and found that he could better navigate his life as an antimatter DJ backing up dancing fish.
During the Civil War[1] Schmend fought on the side of the bad guys, who were defeated and adequately humiliated by the victors. After his discharge, he wandered the continent, seeking solace in liquor, opium and smelting metals. He met his long lost uncle Clump in a midsized city by a river after years of separation. The two put away their political differences and cast a statue of peacocks running from a warthog.
He took an apprenticeship in uncle's business, making and selling tires for toy cars. Within two months, he was running the country, and ordered his uncle into a special comfy prison. He learned swordcraft, beige magic, Latin, belching for self defense and dressed like Elvis[2] in order to qualify for induction into the Illuminati. He met Paula Abdul in a dream once, but that doesn't matter right now.
After deciding to write another paragraph, the author then decided to credit Sargon with his own conversion to Bokononism. When the Plague[3] stuck the large city furthest from the river, where Sargon now resided in a crystal palace with indoor plumbing, the festering religious authorities declared it safe to bathe prematurely, and wiped out most of the population. There was no "funniest hat" contest that year.
...to be continued...