Seven Deadly Sins

Lust

The point of this one is that God doesn't want you to think about doing the nasty with anyone. Once you see someone that you wanna fuck, start thinking about baseball instead. It's a much better thing to think about in God's eyes.

Envy

With this one, you're not supposed to be jealous of other people for the things that they have. Like, if your friend just got a PS2, don't get angry that you don't have a PS2, unless he got a bunch of cool games because God probably makes an exception for that.

Avarice

Truth be told, I don't know what this word means.

Gluttony

Stop shoving your face with food is what this one tells you. You ever notice how there aren't any fat priests? That's because God is telling them not to eat too much. I really don't know why. Maybe God is worried about their cholesterol and shit. He knows about America's obesity epidemic just like us. Hell, he knows everything.

Wrath

Don't get too angry with anyone. Like, if someone is pissing you off, and you want to blow your top, just don't. God doesn't like that. The only wrath God likes is that movie Wrath of the Titans because that shit was tight.

Pride

Alright, you think you're hot shit, but you shouldn't, because God says pride is bad. I mean, it's not bad to take pride in your work, but you shouldn't boast or think you're better at people. And no, I'm not just saying this because you've been bragging about how much better at checkers you are than me. That game is for dummies.

Sloth

This one's obvious. God fucking hates sloths. You know how people say that God loves all of his creatures? Sloths are the only exception. He cannot stand them. It's pretty easy to avoid, but if you ever find yourself moving very slowly and hanging from a rainforest tree, watch out, because God might confuse you with a sloth and smite you or some shit.