Slightly Below Average Man
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“I am Slightly Below Average Man!! My powers cannot be equalled!!... although quite easily exceeded”
“I can do everything you can do, only slightly worse!!”
“Who ya gunna call? The relevant authority, then after that, should the authority fail in its duties, me.”
“Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's an old Ford Escort, driven by Slightly Below Average Man.”
“Teflon? NOOOOOO! They have discovered one of my many, many weaknesses!”
“I may be ill-equipped to foil criminal plots, but I can offer you foil at cheap and competitive prices.”
“Gahh! I tripped over my cape.”
“Gahh! I tripped over my foot.”
“Gahh! I tripped over this child's face.”
“Okay Slightly Below Average Man, what did the mugger look like?”
“Darn!! My spandex suit has split, revealing my shame! I shall have to deal with these villains, then sort it out...”
“In other news, Slightly Below Average Man was once again arrested today for revealing himself in a public area.”
“Come, Sidekick Man, time is like my penis... short.”
“Redundancy, my greatest foe.”
“Do these tights make my ass look fat?”
“Step away from those innocent bystanders, Villain Man, or I will be forced to engage you in a fight, get punched multiple times, and eventually slump to the floor unconscious!!”
“Yes mother, I promise I will move out soon”
“Yes, during the chase I accidentally knocked over 3 buildings, caused a large amount of car crashes, ended the lives of several hundred bystanders and scarred the minds of thousands of others, but wasn't it worth it knowing that the villain was almost apprehended?”
“Fear not, people of this world! Your many, many lives now rest in my highly inadequate hands!!”
“Well that was my 465th un-foiled evil plot... Slightly Below Average Man truly does have the mental capacity and hand-eye co-ordination of a 7 year old.”
“Quick Sidekick Man, back to the Slightly Below Average Cave! Oh wait, that was repossessed.”
“Aha! Villain Man, your abusive comments are no more! I have blocked you.”
“Fear not pedestrians, I shall utilise your bodies as a meat shield while I attempt to fight Villain Man and his numerous pedestrian killing weapons.”
“The important thing is, at least I survived.”
“Ka-Pow! My slightly below average fists have rendered you with vaguely noticeable boo-boos, innocent by-stander!”
“How the hell did you manage to get chocolate all down the back of your tights?”
“Yes, ..."chocolate."”
“Yes you will probably all die horrible, slow, painful deaths, but it is a risk that I'm willing to take.”
“There's to be no crime fighting until you've done your homework.”
“World security once again rests on Slightly Below Average Man's belief in the slight chance that Villain Man will cut himself whilst shaving and have to retire from villainy.”
“Gahh! My face! Hmmm... maybe I should retire.”
“Okay, so I'm not especially fast, strong, intelligent, reliable, trustworthy, handsome, tenacious, intimidating, competent, consistent, continent, well-built, heroic, secure, alert or sober, but at least my costume is finely stitched in attractive colours.”
“If there is anything my hours on GTA have taught me about effective crime-fighting, it's that the easiest way to catch the crook is to drive a car at high speeds down the pavement and hope he is one of the many people killed.”
“It appears Villain Man has filed a lawsuit against me for GBH.”
“Crime never sleeps, so why can't I?”
“Wait, no! That 11 year old boy came onto ME!”
“The terrorists are planning to bomb the city, killing untold millions, Sidekick Man... I say we get the fuck out of here.”
“Disgrace is such a strong word...”
“That's it, Dr. Bad, I'm going to end this once and for all... but health and safety regulations prevent me from striking, pushing or harming you in any way, so I ask that you step away from the giant laser aimed at London, or I will report you to the authorities and you will risk a criminal record.”
“Virgin is such a strong word...”
“In other news, Marvel has denied Slightly Below Average Man's request of his own comic series on the grounds that 'He is pointless.'”
“Oh Slightly Below Average Man, if only you spent as much time fighting crime as you did masturbating...”
“If we hid the lit dynamite inside the hospital, it would prevent Villain Man from using it! I'm a genius.”
“Slightly Below Average Man was ejected from the Justice League headquarters today after someone finally noticed he wasn't part of the organisation.”
“Under-age is such a strong word.”
“We need more guys like Slightly Below Average Man around. Not to solve crime, reduce pollution, thwart villains, protect the public, or provide a useful service to the city etc. Mainly just so that people like me get to look good by comparison.”
“Wait, if Villain Man's lair is over there, who did we just kill?”
“... And at that point I had two options... A) Dodge Villain Man's flame thrower, throw him to the floor and switch off his death ray, saving millions of lives, or B) stand there and take a blast of flame to the face, then roll around in pain as he fired at London. In hindsight, option 'A' may have been the better choice.”
“Will Slightly Below Average Man be able to reach Villain Man's lair in time? Will he be able to stop his evil plan? Will he even be able to punch his way out of this paper bag? Tune in next week to find out!”
“How dare you suggest that I was robbing that bank! I was just searching the bags of cash for signs of Villain Man. I only moved the money to my account in order to speed up the checking process.”
“Aw man, the whole of London has been decimated by Villain Man's nuclear weapon. Sidekick Man, fetch the magic sponge.”
“What's this? Villain Man AND Dr. Bad are working together to end the lives of billions? This sounds like a job for SOMEBODY ELSE! Come, Sidekick Man, let us bravely run away.”
“Haha, Villain Man will have to do better than this to stop me from infiltrating his lair...A button labelled 'Slightly Below Average Man: Press here to trap yourself'? This is poor even for his standards.”
“Blast! I'm trapped!”
“Slightly Below Average Man, I don't think using a hose to siphon fuel from parked cars qualifies as a super power.”
“Come on officer, those civilians clearly aren't dead. They're just sleeping!”
“......*beep* Hey It's me, Slightly Below Average Man, you know, from college. There's this like bank robbery in progress, and I was wondering if you could perhaps give me a lift to the scene as soon as you get back in. That'd be great, okay bye.”
“No, Slightly Below Average Man, you do not have laser-eye powers...those are clearly just glow sticks strapped to your face.”
“Well, I saw the burning building, and remembering the old fire-safety code, 'Fight fire with fire', I knew what I had to do...”
“I can't help but feel that landing in a large pile of dog poo has taken the edge off of my dramatic entrance.”
“Sidekick Man, we're going to have to stop giving chase to Villain Man, I'm chaffing like a whore.”
“I don't quite fully understand the motives behind your recent costume change Slightly Below Average Man. I can sympathise that the crotchless underwear frees up some space down there, but were the fishnet tights and mouth gag strictly necessary?”
“Yes, I COULD take a shower, but that's exactly what they're expecting me to do...”
“Well, I'm sorry, but Superman reversed time by flying really fast around the planet, and I naturally assumed I could achieve the same effect by throwing a brick at an old lady.”
“Sidekick Man it appears that our crime fighting days are over; my driving license has been revoked.”
“Day one and a half in the Big Brother house, and Slightly Below Average Man has already given in to temptation and begun masturbating.”