Spider Man

From Illogicopedia
(Redirected from Spiderman)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Spider Man confused. It comes from the abdomen, silly!

Spider Man can do whatever a spider can, and nothing else. "Man" is irrelevant in this case. But this was not always the case. In fact Spider Man used to be more man than spider at one time, but he wasn't exactly much of a man. His name... doesn't matter (or should I say, DIDN'T matter). His life turned around one day when he was bitten by a werespider and turned into one. Not because it was a werespider per se, that's just what happens when one is bitten by a spider. Ever notice how the spider population rises when the insect population falls? That's because the venom (Remember that word, that word will become important later) melts the organism's regular organs and turns them into icky spider organs (that's why spiders have exoskeletons, because their intoskeletons are totally gross).

Until spider-man came along, spiders were afraid to attack larger things because they knew how deadly they could become. However when they saw spider-man (crap, I just gave away his real name) they realized that he was a pussy and they could probably eat him before he changed... They were wrong. They were experimental spiders and instead of killing him, they ended up curing his nearsightedness and baldness, which alone made him 10 times as socially healthy. In retrospect they noted;

“Shit man, I didn't know we were experimental spiders. We thought

“Well geez, his name is spider man, that means he should die by being bitten by spiders, right?”

~ Spider #3 on Spider-Man
In normal cases, these bites are deadly. LOOK AT EM MAN!”
~ Spiders on subliminal masculinity

Spider-Man initially celebrated his overcoming of such horrific disabilities, until he realized that the reason why his eyesight had improved was because he had grown 6 more eyes (and two of them were still nearsighted), he later saw that the reason he was no longer bald was beacause his body had grown fine hairs all over it (and his head was still bald), that that reason his arms were no longer girly was because he now had 4 of them (and they were still pretty individually girly), that the reason he no longer had a huge beer gut was that his torso was now split into 2 sections (both were still sorta fat), that the reason he no longer had a lisp was that his mouth was now split into 3 fanged parts (that still sounded pretty weird), that the reason his was no longer constipated was because he could now shoot webs outofhis buttocks (which clogged the toilet), and the reason why no one bullied him anymore was because he now had the power to summon a merciless army of deadly spiders to obey his every command (and he was still a pussy, just with an army of spiders).

Now with all the the power of a normal human being (or enough to compensate). He covered his gross deformities with a red costume and went out to fight crime. When he realized that all the crime in New York was just a bunch of Italians dealing beer and gambling stuff, he decided it would be best to improve the crime rate in the city was to become the place's first recurring super villain.

Spiders are g.r.o.s.s.!

With great power[edit]

Comes lawsuits. Spider-Man (then calling himself Monev the Gale) at first used his influence over spiders to get revenge on his boss, J. Jonah Jones who had worked him to near-death and kept his aunt may in the poorhouse after his Uncle Ben died. Unfortunately when he went to kill the man, he found that the spiders liked Jones better, and the latter fired him (for the hundredth time). So to protect himself from further injustice he became one of the... elite. A lawyer, he knew he knew, could not be sued because he was protected by a higher authority, the lawyers templar.

A random fact: Spider Man does not have the powers of a spider, but the spider has the powers of a man!

And another random fact: There is no I in spoon, only in cheap chinese product.

Now with power not even the mighty likes of spider or man alike could comprehend he soon became the most hated person in the world, and used his title to go out with Paris Hilton, who became his evil female sidekick.

Enemies[edit]

For a man-spider-lawyer, Spider Man had an unreal amount of colorful foes. The first of which he had, as a lawyer was the American public, angry at his narrow path of service, defending only fellow superheroes, which in this case were just some freaks. Thankfully this was a weak and easily controlled rival, leaving Spider-Man to deal with some more shrewd... -super-shred... if you will- adversaries.

The green goblin... for instance[edit]

Green Goblin was a rival insurance company, run by Ozzzy Ozzzzbourne.

The hobgoblin[edit]

There were a surprising amount of hobgoblins in Spider Man's life. The first was the business manager of the Green Goblin Insurance firm. Spidey's second encounter with hobgoblins happened when he took a stint in a nightclub. These hobgoblins could make any of Spider-Man or his nonexistant friends' fantasies come true, and turn it against them to the extremes. Thankfully Spider Man killed those hobgoblins by blowing them up and going back to phone sex.

Venom[edit]

Venom.

Venom got his powers when some radioactive venom injected a spider into his bloodstream. Venom hates Monev. He secretly wishes he were him so in his spare time he compensates by riding around on his back and sucking bodily fluids.

Scorpion Man[edit]

Scorpion Man, like spider man was bitten by a radioactive scorpion, however, unlike spider-man, this was of no discernable consequence, so he just wears a cyber-suit to give him powers, which, hence his name, gives him the powers of a scorpion. Yeah, Spider Man really shoulda' just done that instead of hunting for radioactive spiders to give him super powers, it really turned out better for the former.

Anyhow, since it would be bad to let a perfectly good cybernetically scorpion-suit go to waste, so he became a freelance assassin (he mostly assassinates Spider-Man), current price? $1,000,000 a hit.

Kingpin[edit]

An evil bowler with a hook for a hand, wants revenge for Spider Man saying he was the only super-villain in New York.

Allies[edit]

Despite having many enemies, there are some people who will actually help a mutant spider-man in this world

Mary Juana Sherlock Driver[edit]

A chick that totally has the hots for spider man, who, unfortunately Spider Man couldn't care less for

Lana Lang[edit]

A chick who Spider Man has the hots for. Unfortunately, she couldn't care less for him.

Brock Samson[edit]

A dude who has the hots for Mary Juana, who, unfortunately, she couldn't care less for. He hates spider-man for this, I don't even know why he's here.

The fortune teller[edit]

A mysterious figure who helps Spider Man when he believes his brother Jody to be leaving. Sadly, she seems to have another agenda for him. She also seems to know more about the Tall Man than we think (at leats you guys, I know all about it, suckahz...)