Stop me if you've heard this one

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So I’m sitting at my lawn on my desk and across from me are these two dogs: a cocker spaniel and a stallion and in the middle of the table is this revolver I stole from my ex-wife’s mother-in-law when I pretended to be looking for the carburetor in the sock drawer at breakfast time, not really breakfast but dinner though late at night enough to call it so because I needed to light my oversized cigarette, and we’re all just waiting for the other one of us to make the first move and that cocker spaniel’s got this crazy look in his eye so I know I can’t trust him and he probably was the one who slept with my wifes the one night where I found dog hair all over my good slippers (that was the day we broke up, and yes the very same day as the first nude superbowl for goodness sakes!) when all of the sudden the sunroof exploded and my friend joe from that one year in summer camp in mexico when we were both kids and we found that massive heroin stash out in the woods one day except not it was my arch-nemisis magoodo the evil chinchilla from my days at the LAPD and who cost me my job after a string of un-solvable peanut thefts went unsolved the sunofawitch and he’s staring me down and I’m staring me down and I’m all staring me down and we are too and then all of the sudden he goes for it the gun it was was what I meant by that but then I get to it first because I fire a couple shots from the other gun I had concealed in my pocket in my pocket in my pocket in my pocket in my locket in my pocket in my pocket in my pocket in my pockeet in my pocket in my pocket in my pocket to distract them so I get to it first.

So then my table who is OBviously tired of this crap at this point gets up and walks away and I’m stuck here with three of my very worst arch-nemeses, two of which I was enjoying a nice game of cards beforehand before my hand was bumped and my four-card hand which I held before me in my hand (four times!) was clearly gazed upon, and of course I understand the circumstances as we were of course playing for the pterodactyl eggs which were soon to hatch and who would immediately recognize a given hatcher as their authoritative figure of whoever it was having had viewed first and of course we all knew that this was would be useful in the getting-of-the-valuable-things-way-high-up-on-the-shelf-and-terrorizing-civilians but still I was mad so then “unhand me” I declared quite god frickin’ dam belligerently as the sun was setting slowly over north London and not anywhere else in the world but for except Minnessota perhaps and only because the satellite mirrors designed to shield us from viewing the rest of the known universe which could really cause you to trip your balls out were misplaced but anyway, any whale will tell you the opposite save for those who “spreken zie English” per se (we all know Flemish whales can’t speak german!) and this made me mad and that’s when the argument started/ had started/ had started.

So then that’s when the waiter comes in and is all like “table for nine?” when we were clearly five plus five six five five sixty-sixty-seven et demi plus this French guy who likes to add “et demi” to things no disrespect so then I say “screw you!” and he’s like “but what’s the punch line!” and I’m like “no!” and then he’s like “C’mon just get to the punch line!” and then I notice that my banana really hurt then I noticed the sign “no allusions necessary” but it’s ok because I can’t read I just noticed it and well, things got pretty hairy at this point so I had that waiter disappear and asked for another one but he disappeared in a chemical fire so then I had to get a THIRD one but he only had three fingers so he was no help at all and could barely hold my empty coffee cups and then that’s when the fight broke out

in the bar nextdoor. I of course had the upper hand at this point what with my multiple weaponries which means their hands were lower but I was afraid that my evil chinchilla friend scratch NOT friend was aware of his abilities to trick my mind mentally and make this all very confusing for me which is nothing I hate more than to have a good time because I love doing that I hate nothing save for a few peas in the wrong salad, if you know what I mean, but do pass the salt “go on” I said to myself silently in my head so I went out the door which by now at this point you realize was the sunroof but it turns out that gravity must’ve been going the wrong way that day because I couldn’t quite reach (!) then mofongo the chinchilla told me that he had my dentist Kevin from Swiss Jersey being held hostage and if I try to jump 17 feet into the air and into the exploded sunroof and out of my lawn again he would kill him and I would have to live with automatic cavities for a week until I find a new dentist as I suffer from automatic cavity syndrome then at that point I had no choice but to shimmy my way out of this one by using my ventriloquist sock-puppet act involving fried green tomatoes and several species of armpit fungi and a month’s worth of spanakopita which I get from the delivery guy who keeps walking like he has a lopsided sphincter issue back in ‘nam, when I was nominated to win an award for abilities to automatically diagnose severe medical problems of the ugly face sort, thank you very much but this was not my field of expertise good sir, so I ask him what’s wrong, and he says to me he says: “Well that’s the last time I sleep with my penis in the toaster.”

Ba-dum tsss