Telephone numbers

Telephone numbers are sets of digits assigned to each telephone in the entire world by The Man. If your telephone does not have a number, you can probably assume that it is an illegal alien (or manufactured by Radioshack). As this represents less than 12% of the entire telepoputation, this will probably only affect you if your name is John Smith. By collecting other people's telephone numbers, you can contact them instantaneously through their phone.

Side effects

Be careful- there are side effects to using a telephone, and as they are probably too gruesome to mention online, the creator of this page has constructed a list of them for you:

• Boils
• Nausea
• Indigestion
• Duncanism
• Laryngitis
• Racism
• Sexism
• Egotism
• Other side effects of a less and/or more serious nature

(All side effects are results of extensive lab rat testing)

Preventative measures

If you practice preventive measures, you may be able to save yourself from a terrible fate, and cause your friends to experience one. There are several methods of learning a friend's telephone number, to get them on the phone and give them diseases:

• Pass them notes during class
• Ask one of their other friends
• Call them and ask

Note: the Surgeon General recommends allowing at least 30 minutes after eating before attempting to make a call on a telephone.

See also

• Phone
• Numbers
• Turn off your cell phone