The Beatless

From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The Beatless are a band that spontaneously appeared in 1963 immediately after the famous Ed Sullivan performance of the Beatles (with one S only) in the US. Their true origin is unknown, but it is told (without a damn shred of evidence at all!) by the band's Manager, Brain Buttshine, that they originated in Poolliver, ENGLAND (caps provided by manager). Mr. Buttshine has proceeded to give, when questioned further, the supposed coordinates of Poolliver. A team of UK residents looked at the coordinate area, and all they could find was not a town, but a large grid of abandoned shacks, sheds, and trailers.


The Beatless have posted a rather odd, lengthy, and factually dubious description of their origins on their website. In case you decide it's in the category "Too long; didn't read", which let's be honest here, you probably will, we have shortened it (somewhat).

The Beatless apparently formed in 1963, with the founding members Pall, Jon, Ringa and Geeorg. They had been longtime friends since their days in "Owly's Learnin' Hut", where they remember fondly being pushed into the hut with 300 other children. A photo of the hut's outside shows that the hut is way too small to fit 20 children, let alone three hundred, but the inside photo shows it to be as big as an elementary school in a town with a bunch of people. (This is explained in the FAQ by pseudo-scientific gibberish.) In 1963 also, they released a demo, which caught the eye of Parkitone Records, then owned by IME. You may notice something about this band's bio. It seems to follow the career story of the Beatles, only apparently bastardized beyond all belief. This continues on through the bio, so I'll just skip it and ask you to read the Beatles with one S Wikipedia article and make all the names sound in your head like they've been parodied by Mad Magazine. That is the, the Beatless, in a nutshell.


-Me Me Please (1963)

-Without the Beatless!?!? (1964)

-Beatless for Rent (1964)

-A Hard Whey's Flight (1965)


-Naugahyde Sole (1965)

-Recliner (1966)

-Colonel Salt's Lonely Spades and Club Hand (1967)

-Spasmic History Door (1967)

-De Beatless [informally known as the Heliotrope Album] (1968

-Flabby Load (1969)

-Bet it Lee (1970) Unlike the Fab Four, the Beatless's discography continues until 1981. The rest of the albums are:

-Seamen of the USS Phallus (1972)

-The Love of Antidisestablishmentarianism Is Root of All Weevils (1973)

-Shortwave Shitheap Smorgasbord Songs (1974)

-God Smoke the Weed (1974)

-Atomic Thong Attack on Lilliput (1977)

-Robot Jesus's Quail Factory in Hell (1979)

-E Pluribus Unum Et Cetera Ad Infinitum Ad Nauseam (1980)

-Punch Drunk Punch Card Punch Bowl Blues (1981)

Musical Style[edit]

The Beatless make music that is generally regarded to be the most unlistenable music of all time. Among many, many instruments used include the tuba, prepared piano, felines being tortured, pedal guitar, ukulele, pedal guitar, drums, bass guitar, upright bass, accordion, bagpipes, sitar, banjo, violin, Minimoog, Prophet-5, Buchla modular synthesizer, shotgun, wine glass, kazoo, cattle prod, Tesla coil, and theremin. All these instruments, when put together, lead to an almost impenetrably complex, discordant, harmonic, cacophonic, freeform mass of audio, with song titles like "Debate Between a Baked Beans Can and a Mentally Retarded Man", "Ongoing Quest to Find My Bear Who Has Been Abducted by Alien Spacecraft", and "Omniscient Frog Deities Murdered JFK". All their albums are commercial and critical bombs. They disbanded in 1982 due to a concert in New York where several tons of horse manure were accidentally dumped by the sanitation department of New York City. They survived, but have not been seen since except for promotional material supposedly written by them for reissues of their albums and their presence on Facebook and their website.