The Palace of the Empty Soda Can

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An Adult Male approached an Adult Female in a bar. The Adult Male had been totally alone. He was the ruler of a great, majestic kingdom, but he had nobody to tell about his deepest emotions and thoughts. So he was out to find somebody. He said "Hello" to the adult female.

"Hello!" said the adult female, "I'm an author. What about you?"

"I am a King!" said the Adult Male, "I own a castle and I rule over millions!"

"Really?" said the Adult Female.

"Yes. The castle is guarded by two majestic dragons who answer to me alone."

<<AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've revised this article 57,000 times and I still haven't fixed everything. Why can't you revise life? I don't know about you, but I'd appreciate being able to fix one or two real-life "typos." Oh well. I don't live in a water bottle, but if I did, I'd live in the cap and get covered with mold.>>

"That's impressive!" said the adult female, ignoring the interruption.

"You want to see my castle?"


The Adult Male lead her out on to the crowded city street. He took her hand. So soft! Soft soft soft. He got an erection.

"Where's your palace?"

"At the end of the block. I have an erection."

"Your castle's here? On the avenue? I walk down this street every day. I never saw a castle. Are you lying to me?"

"It's here on the street, I tell you! It's majestic! And it's got a MOAT! And DRAGONS! I'm the KING of a great kingdom!!! And I have an erection."

They walked in silence down the street, avoiding puddles of beer and vomit. Once more, the adult male casually mentioned his erection. Then they arrived.

"Here's my castle!" said the man. He was pointing at an empty soda can. Two cockroaches stood before the castle. "Those are the dragons," he said. He pointed to a mysterious brownish liquid in front of the can and said, "That's the moat!"

"Oh!" said the woman.

"Will you be my queen?" asked the man.

"I guess," she said.

"Stick your finger in to the can beside mine."

They crammed their fingers in to the can, side by side. He felt her soft finger on one side and the harsh metal of the can on the other. He still had an erection.

"IT'S THE KING! AND HE'S FOUND A QUEEN!" chorused millions of bacteria inside the can. They stared up at The Adult Male's and the Adult Female's fingers.

The Adult Male turned to the Adult Female and said, "You shall rule this patch of sidewalk. It'll be our kingdom."

Then they took their clothes off.

Meanwhile, millions of people were sitting totally alone. Many of them didn't like being alone. But each of them was the king or queen of their own kingdom. The world continued to spin in a neverending circle.

If everyone in the world listened to the same song at the same time, would they wish for giant fingers? To adjust the volume or just to be there? If everyone in the world listened to the same song at the same time, would it be a happy song? Would it be a moment of total emotional unity? Would everyone sing along and dance alone in their little apartments, feeling alone but still connected? Is everyone already listening to the same song?

Next time you listen to a song pretend everyone in the world is listening with you.

I'll personally quote an REM song:

"It's crazy what you could've had. It's crazy what you could've had. I need this. I need this."