The War of the Oopers and the Poopers

In 10,000 BC, the last survivors of an immortal, horrid, warmongering, 50-foot-tall brown demon-like race called the Moopers, led by their warchief Mando, came to Earth. They were 5,000 in number, and they each came in their own personal rocket ship. In these times, poop was actually only a third as dangerous as it is now.

But poop was toxic to them, and the baseline level of poop in the atmosphere killed almost all of them as soon as they stepped out of their rocket ships. 50 were left. As they developed resistance to the poop, they turned black. Mando decreed that they had lost their M and would forever be the Oopers. And then they developed chemicals to inhibit pooping, fogged the atmosphere with them, and set out to massacre all of Earth life.

And were pretty successful. For 11,920 years, the Oopers subjugated humanity with bio-robot armies, killing a significant percentage of the population. The average human life expectancy was 30 years, because they couldn't poop more than once every three months and had to do so in locations called "The Great Pits". The oopers had turned their own name into an exclamation of awesomeness, for example, "ooper sonk". But in 1920, a mysterious man, cloaked and calling himself "Eeble of the Knights", raised a human rebellion. No one knows who Eeble of the Knights was. He could have been Flub Nugget. He could have been George W. Bush. But he was there, and he started the Order of the Poopers by gathering together all those with a genetic resistance to Ooper chemicals.

Events of the war

Eeble started the war by raising the desolate populace of San Francisco to his cause. The Poopers tunneled into the nearest Great Pit for and unlimited supply of weapons against the Oopers and their bio-robots. They were pretty successful, destroying over a million robots with the poop and killing Muplo, the Ooper of the American West Coast. Soon the Poopers became a much larger force and sub-orders formed, such as the Order of the Green Poop, the Order of the Fabled Number Three, and the Order of the Epic Monster Turd.

Mando was infuriated. He dispatched four huge drones armed with nukes to sink California. The Poopers launched fifty unmanned helicopters filled with large amounts of poop to block the missiles in mid-air. To make sure they couldn't then report back, the Poopers tied buckets of poop to bazooka rockets and fired at the escaping drones. They hit three, but the fourth made it back to the Oopers.

Meanwhile, the Poopers were already in Colorado destroying the resident robot armies and freeing the local nonpooper population, who would actually end up fighting alongside the Poopers. Mando, hearing this from his lair in the bottom of the Cave of Swallows, was not happy about what was happening. There wasn't much he could do- Alago, the Ooper of the Southern United States and Mexico, was killed by several hundred thrown turds, and he was stuck there, facing down oncoming Poopers.

He flew away to Hawaii, where, exhausted, he set up base with the four Oopers that fled with him. The Poopers turned the Cave of Swallows into another Great Pit. Rampaging across the nation, they then attacked New York City and, using stolen nukes, blasted off Staten Island and turned it into an aircraft carrier capable of carrying 30 modified passenger aircraft with open septic tanks and holes in the seats for pooping in addition to hundreds of intermittently placed helicopters with poop holes in the floor.

Staten Island sailed to Europe, Asia, and Africa and sent all 30 aircraft and over a hundred helicoptes to surprise the 32 resident Oopers. All of them were killed, with the exception of one- Gortu- who, after the fight, flew onto the deck of Staten Island, and started laying waste. Then a returning passenger aircraft hit him from behind, blowing up and damaging Staten Island.

Three Oopers remained standing after the rest of the Oopers and the rest of the Poopers on the ground were all killed. They flew away to Hawaii. Little did one of them know, a tracking turd was stuck to him.

End of the war

The last living Poopers were on Staten Island. Every human in the Americas was dead. The last eight Oopers- Mando, Mardo, Grevo, Malgo, Mesro, Hapleth, Meshrim and Lorak- were in Hawaii. Pretty soon, Staten Island showed up to kill them all.

"We were ready for you!", screamed Mando. We've built a time-altering device that will ERASE THE POOPERS!"

And at that, Eeble got onto the deck with a bunch of seven bananas and threw them in quick succession, killing every Ooper except Mando. At that, Mando screamed, jumped over Staten Island with a hydrogen bomb, dropped it behind it, and then lunged at Mando, swinging a helicopter at him, and, to the sadness of all, killing him.

The hydrogen bomb exploded behind Staten Island, throwing Staten Island into the air and causing it to fall bow first into the biggest of Hawaii's volcanoes. As he slid off the deck, Mando screamed his head off in prophecy.

"THIS DEVICE IS DAMAGED! IT WILL NOT ERASE THE POOPERS! IT WILL ERASE THE OOPERS! EVERY HUMAN EVER KILLED BY AN OOPER WILL BE KILLED BY POOP! HAVE FUN POOPING!"

Moral of the story: Enjoy pooping. It's better than not pooping.