User:Darkgenome/Too Many Johns

Curious John and Laidback John

Curious John: Oh alreet there Laidback John?

Laidback John: Alreet Curious John?

Curious John: Where have you been?

Laidback John: I’ve been to that new shopping gallery in the town centre.

Curious John: Ah yes. What have you got in that there shopping bag then, John?

Laidback John: …?

Curious John: Oh, sorry. Laidback John.

Laidback John: Oh me. You confused me a bit then. Yeah it’s a saw.

Curious John: A saw huh? Got a bit of DIY that needs doing?

Laidback John: Yeah you could say that. It’s for the missus. I wasn’t too sure what to buy. She just said she wanted a sharp implement.

Curious John: WOW! WICKED! What does she want that for?

Laidback John: To threaten me with when I clog the plughole up with my bodily hair.

Curious John: Ah right. A pair of tweezers would have been better, Laidback John.

Laidback John: Why would that be Curious John?

Curious John: Well she wouldn’t be as scary waving those in your face.

Laidback John: Yeah, she’s scary enough as it is.

Curious John: And besides, the worst she can do is pull out all the hairs on your entire body. And it’s not like a man’s short of those. Know what I mean, ey? Ey? EEYY!!?

Laidback John: Hehehe yeah! I see. She would tire herself out from trying to pull all my hairs out. But the only problem then is that she’d be too knackered to play Nurse after cutting my hand off. That’s the part I was looking forward to…

Curious John: In that case, get a chainsaw.

Toilet Humour

Jerry: Right I’m off to the John.

Freddy: JOHN! NOOOOOOOO!

Terry: Aw John’s gonna be covered in poop now.

John Sayle and Irritable John

John Sayle: Hello John, got a new motor?

Irritable John: Why yes I have. It’s a 1993 Honda Civic VTEC with alloy wheels, sports suspension, and…

John Sayle: Hello John, got a new motor?

Irritable John: You just asked me that a second ago.

John Sayle: They put you in a special hospital.

Irritable John: How dare you imply that I am mental!

John Sayle: He can’t half play the bongos.

Irritable John: Why thanks. That’s a nice compliment you just paid me after that awfully nasty thing you just said.

John Sayle: He’s got a record by Billy Joel.

Irritable John: Of course. He is a leg end.

John Sayle: He stuck his head in a dustbin.

Irritable John: Yeah… why would Billy Joel do that?

John Sayle: Hey John, dya like this suit here ey? It’s a lovely suit init?

Irritable John: You’re not wearing a suit… Oh I know what you’re doing. You’re reciting the whole of Hello John, Got A New Motor aren’t you? That’s pretty smart what you did there, slipping that in as I was talking about my new car. Okay, okay, it’s my turn. I keep tropical fish!

John Sayle: I keep tropical fish.

Irritable John: No, I keep tropical fish.

John Sayle: I keep tropical fish…

Irritable John: I KEEP TROPICAL FISH! AAAARRG!!

John Sayle: …in my underpants.

Irritable John: Huff… er, yeah. I was wondering why, huff… you were wearing nothing but your underpants.

John Sayle: He walks around with a hat on.

Irritable John: Wait, this is awfully confusing for the reader you know. Who are you talking about now? Cause I’m most certainly not walking around with said hat on.

John Sayle: Been to Miami? Lovely, Miami. Can’t get a lot of bitter in Miami.

Irritable John: Now STOP! You’ve made the reader puke on their brand new breeches. Fortunately they are puke coloured so you can’t tell. But suffice to say, you are getting on EVERYBODIES nerves! Especially mine! So stick your bloody song up your bloody arse. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

John Sayle: What you having? Pina Colada? Lovely.

Irritable John: ...

GUNSHOT

Shop Owner John, Biker Thug John and Little John

Shop Owner John: Excuse me, how may I help you?

Biker Thug John: Yes. I’m looking for a goldfish. Do you know what one is?

Shop Owner John: Yes. I do know what one is.

Biker Thug John: Could you show me one?

Shop Owner John: Certainly not. If my goldfish see you and your beard they’d think you’re some sort of scary petrifying predator and be scared for their life!

Biker Thug John: I want a goldfish. I’ve heard they’re good company. I get lonely living in my dumpster. I need a pet to keep me company on those gloomy days.

Shop Owner John: I’m sorry, but I hardly think that you are fit to take care of one of my goldfish.

Biker Thug John: Please will you let me? I’ll take good care of it! I’ll feed it every day, groom it well and take it for walks regularly.

Shop Owner John: I’m sorry. But you look like somebody who will not meet the demands of taking care of a pet. Not even a goldfish!

Biker Thug John: Then what do you suggest?

Shop Owner John: How about this nice door wedge? They’re not alive, you don’t need to feed them, and they sure are fun to look at. They look like little pieces of cheese…

Biker Thug John: Door wedge? But I don’t need a door wedge.

Shop Owner John: Then there’s nothing else I can suggest. Get out of my shop! I don’t think you have enough experience to take care of such a complex and interesting a pet as a goldfish.

Biker Thug John: But it’s only a goldfish!

Shop Owner John: A goldfish is not for Christmas. It’s for life.

Biker Thug John: Goldfish only live for a few years. Just give me a goldfish you old bat!

Shop Owner John: Your rude behavior is not needed around here. Leave my shop immediately. You nasty, nasty, horrible man! And never come back here ever again!

Little John: Hello mister.

Shop Owner John: Why, hello there little John! How may I help you?

Little John: It’s my birthday today. My mom said I could have a pet.

Shop Owner John: Oh did she? Well, see anything you like?

Little John looks around at all the pets, ranging from puppy dogs to little kittens, lizards, snakes and becomes a little glum

Shop Owner John: No?

Little John: I was thinking of something more exotic.

Shop Owner John: Oh? Well, whatever you want, I’m sure I’ve got it. Aardvarks, badgers, horses, elephants, hippos, giraffes, chimpanzees, lions, emos… I mean, emus…you name it!

Little John: Er…Do you have any fnurdles?

Shop Owne John: Yes. I think I do. I’ll just go and check in the back.

Biker Thug John: …

GUNSHOT

This is why families are the best

John: I love you Pa! AWHAWHAWHAW!!

Dad: I love you too son! AWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!!

John: Actually… Pa sounds a little insensitive; I’ll call you John. Yeah. John.

Dad: Er, okay.

Little John and Mr.Johnson

Little John: Sir?

Mr. Johnson: …yes?

Little John: Can I borrow a sharpener?

Mr. Johnson: That was rubbish. That was unacceptable, nay, worse than unacceptable. In fact, dya know what? I’m gonna say that was the worst EVER. Get out of my classroom, go on… OUT!!

Little John: Uh?

Mr. Johnson: Do you think that William Shakespeare would have settled for such an unenthusiastic performance?

Little John: Um, what do you mean sir?

Mr. Johnson: Well, put it this way. If you were in Shakespeare’s time suffering the climax of the plague, and were one of Shakespeare’s actors belting out in front of a packed theatre one of his hard worked poetic lines just like that, he would have had your guts for garters and fed your eyeballs to the local rat infest.

Little John: I only want a sharpener…

Mr. Johnson: You’ve got to make the audience want more. In his time, to go and watch a good performance cost a lot of money, because of the superb quality of the actors. Go back and ask me again. Give it more feeling this time.

He walks away, and returns.

Little John: Can “I” borrow one’s sharpener, sir?

Mr. Johnson: Hmmm. Still needs improving. Try to sing it like a song chirped by the birds of the vast countryside. And tuck your shirt in as well. Only when I am pleased with your acting I will respond with an appropriate answer.

Little John: Oh. Okay…

He walks off, and walks back to the teachers’ desk

Little John: May I borrow one’s sharpener???

Mr. Johnson: Now, that’s a slight improvement. But you must express it like the powerful winds charging towards a tree, violently tackling it to the ground. I think your voice is a little rusty, bit too low as well. Maybe make your words more poetic. Do it once more, and do a little dance as well this time.

Little John: Hmm…

Little John walks away, comes back doing a skipping dance and belts out in a loud voice with more feeling and exactly like a Shakespeare actor would act

Little John: Oh, how versatile one’s feeling can be, as thy can be tortured by envious words that are free, but hesitate not and lend your sharpener to me?

Little John holds his hand out to receive the hard earned sharpener. He’s gonna get it, he’s gonna get it!! GONNA…

Mr. Johnson: Sorry, I haven’t got one.

Little John: …

GUNSHOT