What if a car alarm goes off?

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You might be thinking to yourself: "What if a car alarm goes off?" Well, not to worry; there are several courses of action that you can take should it ever occur. Some are rather daft, while others border on the ingenious. The latter are the ones that this little guide is concerned with.

Here follows a list of carefully selected, well-tested methods that have been found worthwhile and bullet-proof (the exception being if you are attacked with conkers or arms of fire rather than firearms) solutions:

• Panic, something bad is obviously happening, so acting like a rabbit in the headlights is probably the best thing to do.
• Ignore it; not to worry, it is just a car alarm. Surely it is nothing to be alarmed about.
• Alarm a llama of the whole situation.
• Run! If you are currently crowbaring the car open, this is probably a good course of action, no time like the present.
• Smash the window, release the bonnet, cut the battery cable, then stand back and admire your handiwork.
• Stare at it like a buffoon, drool dripping from your jaw, then proceed to drag your teeth across the car with great fury.
• Crash and Burn something that is not at all related to the above subjects.
• Think of a new, ingenious solution and write about it here instead of making use of it.
• Cry, until your nose runs dry, at which point you can douse it in petrol, and, with the mere flick of a match, make light of the whole situation.
• Smoke the car like a cigarette.
• pee on it.

Some final advice

Once the car's alarm has gone off, it naturally follows that it (the car, not the alarm; that would be a little strange to suggest) starts smelling and goes all mushy, so if it is yours, you'd better buy a new one. If it isn't, mush-mush. Seeing as you probably don't want your car to start smelling and go all mushy, it is probably a most excellent idea to turn its alarm off. Honest.