What kind of pervert are you

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Remember when your ex asked you "What kind of pervert are you, anyway??"

And you had no idea what to say, so you just lay there making vague gurgling noises?

And then you glued a dingo to your mom/mum? We can help you with that. Just take our specially designed quiz, and you'll find out! And then, next time you're on a date and that annoying, inevitable question comes up, you'll have your answer ready!

We should turn this into a form of some sort. Drat, that sounds like work.

But wait, there's a 'poll' thing we can use. Here, let's test it out:

If the Statue of Liberty wore a hat, how many mice would it hold?
Please vote below. Results will be shown when you have voted.
You are not entitled to view results of this poll before you have voted.
There were 29 votes since the poll was created on 03:43, 16 Novelniver 2016.
poll-id 476B8E207E6A589FC0876CC6174020A9

Gosh that looks really inappropriate for building a quiz.

OK, we'll do this differently. Just print this page, and then go find a pencil. (You know, one of those wooden things -- you may have seen them in school. You did go to school, didn't you?) Now, using the pencil, just circle each answer you choose. When you get to the bottom, we'll tell you what else to do.


  • You come home from work after a hard day. When you open the door to your home, which of these would you prefer to find in your livingroom?
  1. 3,000 pounds of severely decayed eels
  2. An angry um something lethal -- maybe a Kodiak bear
  3. A 5 foot tall 50 pound spider with red glowing eyes and it's hissing at you
  4. A bathtub full of lime jello
  • Which of these would you rather have an affair with?
  1. Donald Trump's hairpiece
  2. Your next door neighbor's chihuahua
  3. A bathtub full of lime jello
  • Your house is on fire. The firefighters are already at the front door, but you're trapped in a back bedroom, and the room you're in is engulfed in flames. Which would you do?
  1. Jump out a fifth floor window, and fall to your death on the sharp rocks far below
  2. Cover your eyes, and pretend the fire isn't there
  3. Jump into a bathtub full of lime jello
  • You've just drunk 10 shots of tequila (don't ask me why -- the stuff tastes horrible) and you've been dared to stick your face in something. You're much too drunk to say 'no' -- you're going to do it! So, which of these would you rather it be?
  1. An electric fan (yes, it's turned on, and no, there isn't any grill in front of the blades)
  2. An alligator's mouth (no, I don't mean a stuffed alligator)
  3. A bathtub full of lime jello
  • You're at a science fiction convention, and there aren't enough beds. Which of these would you rather sleep in?
  1. An industrial clothes dryer (it's running, by the way, and will be the whole time you're there -- vrooma! vrooma! vrooma! Round and round it goes!)
  2. The vat of quicklime out back, which the local mafiosi are using to dissolve bodies in
  3. A bathtub full of lime jellow
"It's ... green." (I hope you recognize the line.)
  • What does the image at the right most remind you of?
  1. The first moon landing
  2. A terrible fire in a high rise office building
  3. A pack of wolves in hot pursuit of a radioactive flying squid
  4. A bathtub full of lime jello


Scoring[edit]

OK, campers, now's the fun part -- let's SCORE THOSE TESTS!

It's easy, it's fun, and it's going to be sooooo educational!

First, find the number of each answer you circled. (The number is that funny thing to the left of the answer that doesn't have any letters in it.)

Multiply each of those numbers by thirteen.

Now, add them all together -- except for the second and fourth, for which you should only add half the value.

Square the result.

Now, take the cube root of what you got, and divide that by five.

Take your final number and look it up in this table:

Negative value, less than -10 You are an alien
Value between -10 and 0 You are so normal your own mother wouldn't know you
Any positive value (like, you know, 1, 2, 3, ...) You have an unhealthy fascination with lime jello

Congratulations! You have expanded your self knowledge, which is the first step on the road to knowing more about yourself!