You and your pet Jamaican

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Firstly, thank you for adopting a Jamaican man as your pet. He will serve you well, unless you decide to give him guns, or whatever...

Please read this care guide carefully. It will contain everything you need to know about Jamaicans in general, such as food, habitat and sleeping patterns.

The basics for your Jamaican[edit | edit source]


When your Jamaican first arrives at your house, please check for:

  • Any guns that he may have stowed in his backpack;
  • Illicit drugs, such as marijuana, crack, cocaine, heroin etc.
  • That he is holding the correct tag with the correct serial code.

Once you confirmed everything, let him in. The Jamaican will not come in by himself, you need to encourage him to come into your house. We can do this by either:

  • Wearing a 'Jah was here' T-shirt
  • Promising repatriation
  • Offering the Jamaican kerosene fuel to drink
  • Competing against him in 100-meter sprint

Diet[edit | edit source]

Jamaicans eat a variety of things, but most popular is a chicken curry known as 'jerk', marinated in spices overnight and served with rice, plantain (like a banana) and beans. Also popular are saltfish, ackee (a tropical fruit) and fried plantain.

In addition to this, Jamaicans also enjoy Jet A-1 kerosene fuel, ever since a plane accident in July 1937 forced many to drink the plane fuel for their daily diet. This was brought back to Jamaica and is celebrated as a sacred staple food.

Buy some kerosene, the preferred energy drink of Jamaicans. Y'know, Usain Bolt drinks kerosene fuel to improve performance.

Demographics[edit | edit source]

Not very varied. Black, black and more black. also a little bit of creole, but does it matter?

Habitat[edit | edit source]

WARNING: If any rooms in your property are used for the purposes of recording music, isolate any flammable material in sight and hide and lock the room when your pet is awake and in the house. Our pet distribution centres do not accept any responsibility for the arson of such premises.

Sleeping patterns[edit | edit source]

In Jamaica, Jamaicans will usually sleep throughout the day and then come out at night. However, they are not used to peaceful societies and will often be confused by the fact that they will have nothing to do at night, other than set fire to recording studios, as stated above. Therefore, it is adamant that you train your Jamaican to be awake during the day and sleep at night, otherwise you will have great trouble with your pet.

Jobs for Jamaicans[edit | edit source]


Jobs for Jamaicans is a leading UK charity devoted to giving pet Jamaicans a chance for repatriation by giving them a job. We deal with these pets exclusively, so you get a tailored service for your own pet. We offer up to 500 types of jobs for your pet to do. Here are some that we can offer below.

Nurse[edit | edit source]

Do not be fooled. Employing a pet Jamaican as a nurse can be quite challenging, as Jamaicans see narcotics as the answer to all problems. We don't want another Harold Shipman, do we?

Doctor[edit | edit source]

See 'Nurse' above.


Pilot[edit | edit source]

Jamaicans do not inherently understand planes, however, if everything inside the plane is translated to slang, then things should work better for them. However, this is not good for aviation safety. One incident occured in April 1983, where a Jamaican man stole a Concorde and thought 'HP valve' meant filling the engine with HP sauce. This caused the engine to explode, killing the man and rendering severe damage to the plane.

Engineer[edit | edit source]

This can lead to similar consequences to pilotcy, such as having the van explode on you while you are repairing it because he thought 'exhaust fumes' turned into a bed for exhausted people.

Culture[edit | edit source]

You need to keep your pet entertained, especially with Jamaicans. Making clothes is a good thing, so is sport. Sport is well a very 100-metre sprint thingy so that we can get going.