You feeble fool!

The movie poster.

You feeble fool! was a play produced by a monkey. No one knows which monkey, because he made it at a zoo, but we just know a monkey made it. They dedicated the cover to the monkey. It was made some time ago, god knows when, but it was made, and that's all we care about. Alas, it consisted of only one act, one scene, and one banana.

Act 1, Scene 1

We are at a play. On the stage, the camera focuses on a man sitting on a barrel. His name is Roger. He has ragged clothes, and dirty, uncut hair. However, despite his gross appearance, he caries a golden stick. He sits with his stick next to a fireplace with a warm firing roaring. He is yelling profanities at children. Somewhere out in the distance a camel squeals, promoting squeamish behaviour from the audience.

Roger: Where is my glass of water? I demand that you go get it now, you twit! Oh, why hello there! I am Sir Roger Editthis, and I will be your Guide today. I have this little stick, here, his name is Chester. Chester, introduce yourself to the audience.

Chester: Hello. I am Chester.

Roger: Don't be shy, Chester. I know you can say a little 'Hello'.

Chester: Yes, I just did you fool.

Roger: Ok, you bloody fool, if you don't meet and greet, you'll regret it!

Chester: Wait! I just did!

Roger: (calmly) Well, then. (surprisingly) DAMN YOU DAMN YOU TO HELL! GO DIE IN A PIT YOU BLOODY SHIT!!!!

Roger takes the stick and breaks it into five peices. He throws one into the fire. He throws another over his head, which hits someone in the audience.

Audience member: Hey, that stick hit me in the leg! I want a refund! Somebody get me out of here!

The audience member continues to wail, so Roger snaps his finger. Two masked men come out, punch the person in the head and drag them out of the theater. A few moments later, a gunshot is heard. Then Roger continues on his tantrum. He throws one piece with his eyes closed, and it hits the small boy who is bringing Roger his water in the eye. He falls over, and lands on a knife.

Roger: Oh, whoops. Well, uh, served him right. That's not the glass I wanted. Well, I still have two pieces of Chester, but he deserved to die, that idiot. Now, back to the tour. This is the fireplace. There is fire in it. Note how the fire is burning.

Audience: Ooooooooooh!

Roger: Yes, my point exactly. Now stare at that for an hour or two while I go off stage for a little 'break'.

Roger walks off the stage while the audience drools staring at the fire. He picks up a jug of bourbon, and takes a sip.

Roger: Those damned fools. I hate them. And make sure my boys actually bring me vodka, not water.

Back stage worker person: Ye- Yes, sir. I- I- 'll do that r-r-ight now.

The worker runs off crying, a stain growing in the crotch area of his pants. Roger walks back on the stage.

Roger: Now, if you will look in this direction, you will see a mummy.

The crowd immediately snaps into attention, looking around for a mummy.

Roger: Ha! You morons! There is no mummy! Now, back to the show. My assistant should bring out the equipment soon.

A man runs out on to the stage. He is holding a shovel.

Man: (Dramatically) I am Charles II, or too many of you, a prince! I shall take this play and make it my own, for the good of the kingdom!

Roger: Damn it! Why didn't you guys stop him!?

Someone from offstage: He was swinging a shovel around sir! We couldn't do anything!

Roger: Idiots.

Roger pulls out a pistol and fires a bullet through Charles's head. The crowd is amazed, and then several sea sponges fall down the stairs into the blood.

Roger: That man is bad, ladies and gentlemen. That is exactly why I shot a bullet through his head. Any questions?

Audience member: Why did you shoot him?

Roger: Oh, god. You people are so stupid!

Roger shoots the audience member who asked the question.

Roger: Now, back to the story. This is the rug. People walk on it. And this, this is the chair. This is a barrel. People like to sit on it and put apples in it. Ok, now you people go off and do something.

The crowd goes off and does something. The sea sponges are still bathing in the pool of blood. Roger walks over and steps on them.

Roger: It's a bloody shame how stupid these people are.

Man who wasn't there a second ago: What people?

Roger: What the? Who the hell are you?

Man who wasn't there a second ago: Didn't you read the script? I'm the Man that wasn't there a second ago.

Roger: Well, um, leave then.

Man who wasn't there two seconds ago: No. It's not part of the script.

Roger: You feeble fool! I should kill you for this!

Man who wasn't there a second ago: No. It isn't part of the script.

Roger takes the gun and shoots the man through the forehead. Then he picks up a spatula and puts it in the mans hand.

Roger: It was suicide. See?

No one looks.

Roger: Good. Now, I'm going to go get ready for teh next play.

Man who wasn't there a second ago: I am not dead. It was not part of the script.

Roger turns around, shocked. He runs out the door, screaming.

Man who wasn't there a second ago: Oh, hot piss. Better get going.

The man who wasn't there a second ago walks out the door. Some other guy walks in.

Some other guy: Uh, so who ordered the pizza?

Someone from backstage: No one. So leave.

Some other guy leaves. We note that his name is Carl, due to his name tag that is pinned to his eye. He takes a step into the street and is hit by a bus. Two kids walk up.

Kid 1: Look at all of the blood, Kid 2!

Kid 2: It's amazing, isn't it?

Bus driver: Shit, shit, I killed someone!

Kid 2: Hey, fuckhead. Don't have a shit, you only killed a guy. I've done a lot worse.

Bus driver: Oh, OK.

Old woman walks up.

Old woman: Has anyone seen my glasses? My glasses?

Kid 1: Hey granny, I got your glasses!

Old Woman walks over. Kid 1 punches her in the face.

THE END

This article is illogical enough to have made it onto the front page. View more featured articles   •   Vote for new featured articles