5 most common toilet malfunctions

Ok, I've worked as a plumber for most of my life, and between banging well-endowed women and battling sewer monsters I've actually had to fix a toilet or two. Listen up, buttercup, this will be the ride of your life.

This is me

Number 5: The Clog!

The Prollem

Ok, here's the deal. You've just had the most magnificent dump of your life, and you're ready to get that log out of your life forever. You stand up, wipe your ass with a bit of Charmin' UltraSoft Bathroom Tissue, dispose of the aforementioned tissue, and flush that mothercusser down. Except it doesn't go down does it? No, it just sits there like your fat mother, and it smells like her too.

Mother of God, What the what is wrong with my Loo!?

Son, it looks like you've got a Clogged Toilet. This happens when the mass or consistency of your bowelular discharge is in some way inappropriate for the make and size of your can.

What'll I do!?

It's pretty simple, you just need a toilet plunger. Take the plunger and plunge it into the Human Waste Receptacle. Plunge. Repeat ad infinatum.

If you're not the plunger type YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE PLUNGER then call a plumber like me. Make sure you're home when I arrive or I will bed your wife. If you're there I'll probably bang her anyway, but you can at least watch.

If this is a repeating problem you should probably invest in a new shitter. Plus sized privys can be expensive, but believe me, it will be worth every penny. An alternative to this is to change your diet and bowel schedule to more accommodate your potty. The choice is yours. By "the choice is yours", I mean I'm no longer involved in your throne troubles. Don't ask me what model you should buy or what you should eat or stop eating, that's what Google is for. I'm not your personal trainer, I'm your plumber.

Number 4: The Broken Handle!

The Prollem

So you bought a cheap toilet plunger and unclogged your toilet, what now? Well here's what: You head off to your bathroom to take a piss before hitting the sack. You pee, flush, brush your teeth, and go to bed. For some reason, the sound of flushing does not stop after you lie down. Whereas in a normal flush there is a 5-10 second climax where the water rushes through the bowl before a soothing afterripple, the climax of this flush extends beyond the normal 5-10 seconds. Indeed, it keeps you awake all night, nauseates you at breakfast, and is still going strong when you return from work in the evening. It will continue forever, or at least until you hire a Mafia hitman to take out the offending crapper when you get your water bill.

Mother of God, What the what is wrong with my Loo!?

Sounds like you got one of these:

Look at the handle, asshat.

Meh, just a broken handle. They are the penalty for the bathroom peccadillo of refusing to let the yellow mellow. Basically, this happens when you flush down pee without poo. It doesn't happen too often, and it's as easy as hell to fix too.

What'll I do!?

Ok, chill the balls out. Simply apply clockwise pressure to the handle until it is back to it's normal position. DON'T CALL A PLUMBER!!! If you call me I'll rip your nads off. This is below me, homie.

Number 3: DAT STANK

OMG, WERE DO I STRT LOL!!!1! WEN YOU GO TO TEH BATHEOOM AND IT STANKS LIKE POPO LOL!!!

The Prollem

This prollem is a little more tricky to define. Oh no wait, it isn't: actually it's just when your toilet starts to reek of the pigs. You probably just blew it off as your girlfriend's lady smells but she left you for that French dude and it still smells like a dead dog, if dead dogs were a clever way of referring to massive piles of fecal matter. You probably can ignore it for a while, but soon enough the miasma generated by your lav will exceed the density per square meter of water. I mean you could swim in it. But you don't want to, you really don't want to...

Mother of God, What the what is wrong with my Loo!?

Your jake is under the influence of DAT STANK. DAT STANK can be caused by so many different things that it's not worth my time as a plumber or a friend to tell you any of them. Let's just say you want it out, and you want it out now.

What'll I do!?

Spray some scented shit all over that brothertrucker. This is as simple as it gets, I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I mean seriously. If you don't know that you're supposed to spray scented shit in your thunder mug to get rid of DAT STANK, then you are prolly incapable of operating an aerosol bottle without getting as high as a kite in the process anyway. And again: if you call me, I will sexually violate you. In the ass. I'm not even gonna pretend I won't.

Number 2.5: Segue!

Sewer monsters.

This is fear incarnate

You noticed when I mentioned them earlier. In fact, you've been unable to keep your puny mind off of them long enough to read the last three sections, and skipped directly down here. Actually you might not have. Idk, I'm a pretty shitty mind reader, ok. Anyway, sewer monsters.

ABILITIES!/POWERS!

• Sewer monsters are disgusting perverts, and they tend to do disgusting and perverted things, like clogging peoples' toilets with the blood of their relatives and kidnapping pets to use as vessels for their sick, sick, sewer-seed.
• Sewer monsters are masters of stealthitude and disguisery, and they can easily hide in a dude's closet or something for weeks without anybody noticing.
• Sewer monsters enjoy pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
• Sewer monsters are super duper strong and will kick your ass if you try to fight it without proper equipment.

Speaking of which...

THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE

These are the tools we plumbers use to keep the sewer monsters at bay.

THE SOUL PLUNGER!!!

This is the bread and butter of a good plumber. Not that you should try to eat it or anything like that, that'd be gross.

See all those buttons and dials and shit all over it? Well keep your grimy rookers off of them, they're tricky business to use, and even trickier business to use without accidentally giving yourself an impromptu rimjob. Just look at her...

Ohhhh yeah.

I think I need some time alone.