Communist Party

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“If you have to fart, fart; it will clear the air[1]

“Comrades, dead men never go on strike no matter what you pay them![2]

“Comrades, why should the capitalists have all the fun?”

~ Deng Xiaoping

“ ... [3]

Communist party. It sounds important. It sounds ... entertaining, really.

But what is it, exactly?

We need to understand what the words mean. A Communist is someone does everything in groups of Communists, because Communists always do everything in groups. That includes having "fun". The "fun" a group of Communists can have must always be ideologically correct, of course.

Communist Fun[edit | edit source]

There are lots of "fun" things Communists can do together, including:

  • Chant slogans. Lots of slogans! When lots of Communists get together to have "fun" the chanting can get quite rowdy, particularly when they start chanting the old favorites, such as:
    • Two Four Six Eight Who do we all venerate? STAH-LIN!
    • Is that one dead? That's more for the rest of us!
    • We are all more equal! Everyone is above average!
    • Four legs good, two legs bad!
  • And besides that, they ... uh ... well, they chant more slogans.

Capitalist Fun[edit | edit source]

Unlike Communists, Capitalists are very limited in the things they can do to have fun. When they get together in a group, and "fun" is needed, they typically:

  • Eat lots of unhealthy food like chips and whipped cream and brie
  • Drink beer
  • Drink Scotch
  • Drink too much
  • Play loud music, with lots of patriotic songs like "Born in the USA" and "Take this job and shove it".

They call that a party. So, see, a "party" is a thing capitalists do.

Communists don't do those things.

And that is why there is no such thing as a "Communist party".


Footnotes and stuff

  1. From the Chairman's remarks to the Lush Party Congress after some disaster or other. Remarks were delivered after dinner, which gave everyone time to get plastered first.
  2. Remarks to the Central Committee on ... oh you can fill in the rest.
  3. Remarks delivered at the 1925 party congress, at which Stalin seized control (and everything else). Lenin had been dead ... um ... some number of months at that point.