Entry #1, 10 June 2014
I had a dream. One where I am a small fish in a big bowl. Not in a metaphysical sense; I am literally a small fish in a big bowl. I swim around and round, slowly exploring what I deem to be the world's biggest aquarium. I see a shark. It doesn't attack me. It is voiced by Danny Devito. He says, "Tommy, my boy! Come to dinner!" I don't know why he says that or why he's voiced by Danny Devito, but I follow because I have nowhere else to go. We swim for what seems like hours and eventually make it to a small cabin underwater. There is a table set with four place settings. The shark sits next to a dolphin, and a catfish sits next to me. The catfish turns and says, "How ya doin'?" I reply that I'm doing fine, and begin eating my dinner. When I look at what I'm eating, I realize that it's not food at all. I am eating pieces of my own heart, "No," I scream, hoping to stop, but I don't. It's just so damn good. I don't know why. Maybe there was a special sauce or dry rub, but my heart was delicious. I ate it until juices spilled onto my chin. This garnered weird looks from my dinner company, but I didn't care. It was delicious goddammit. Just as I was about to finish the very last morsel, I woke up. I really wish I hadn't done that. I can still taste the deliciousness of my own heart from that dream. Maybe another time.
Entry #2, 21 June 2014
I dreamed I was a toilet paper tube with only a little bit of toilet paper still on, not enough to use. Except the toilet paper was actually metal, liquid metal. I knew I was supposed to burn up but I didn't. Then my mom started telling me to do homework, except she wasn't really my mom, she was a cross between a squid and a telephone pole. My homework was an essay about how the moon was going to eat all the chocolate cake and whether this would bring about the end of the world as we know it. This event was supposed to occur in December 2012, which had happened already but was going to happen again. Then my mom turned me into a cat and gave me cat food, and I hated the cat food because it was actually dog food. It also tasted like fish and chips, because it was. It turned into a fish with rainbow scales and jumped up at me, and was yelling about how Obama was going to bomb Wales. This was very bad because we lived in Wales and we would have to get out, so we decided to go to the sun. When we got to the sun we turned into scrambled eggs and died; then I woke up.
Entry #3, 30 June 2014
I dreamed I was the president of Cambodia, except it wasn't really Cambodia, because I don't know what Cambodia looks like. People were handing me files and papers telling me to do stuff, and I got completely overwhelmed. I mean, I don't know how to be the president of a country. Once I felt like I had had enough, the walls melted, and I was in my first grade classroom again. My teacher, Ms. Lemon, walked up to me and said, "Oh, Joshua, you really should be in your seat." I wanted to protest that I was a full grown adult, but my legs took me to the tiny chair that had my name in front of it and sat down. I looked across from me to see Jessica, my first crush. It was weird to see her because she was still six and I was a grown man. She opened her mouth to speak, but a demon's voice came out. It said, "Don't you want to do arts and crafts?" I shook my head "no," and she was displeased. "But look what I made for you," as she pulled out a voodoo doll of Basketball Hall-of-Famer Hakeem Olajuwon with a needle through its heart. She smiled. Then, I was transported into a courtroom. I was on the stand. Sam Waterson's character on Law and Order was questioning me. "But you did kill Hakeem Olajuwon?" "No," I cried, "It was Jessica! She had the voodoo doll." The judge turned to me. It was Hakeem Olajuwon himself! He spoke, "Don't worry son, I know." And I faded out of the dream.
Entry #4, 41 June 2014
I dreamed that I was being chased by shamrocks. They weren't ordinary shamrocks, obviously; they were giant ones, with glowing yellow eyes, sharp teeth, legs and arms. And they were really big, and kind of glittery. They were chasing me because they were Catholic and I was Protestant, and everyone knows how Catholics and Protestants hate each other, except that I wasn't actually Protestant at all, I was just pretending to be or maybe they were mixed up. I think they were mixed up. I was also an orange snake of some sort, but none of this was really real at all, it was fakey, like a play or something, except that I couldn't get out and there was probably nowhere to go. It was hard being a snake; I couldn't move very fast, and the shamrocks caught up with me in very little time. They were going to kill me or something, but then at the last minute I managed to turn them into shiny green bread machines, and I turned myself into a human which I had been all along anyway. I remembered that I really needed a new bread machine, because my old one was falling apart, so I took one of the bread machines home and tried to use it. It didn't make bread, though, it made blocks. Wood blocks, the kind you make block towers out of, except that they were alive. They had eyes, arms, legs and hair, and when I realised I'd have to get leftovers out of the fridge if I wanted any dinner, they decided to make a big wall of blocks in front of the fridge so I couldn't get food. This made me really mad. I hadn't gotten any food for a really long time, so I was going to starve to death if the blocks didn't quit blocking me, but then I woke up.
Entry #5, 4 July 2014
I dreamed I was pregnant, which is weird because I'm a man, except I wasn't in the dream. The father of the baby was a nice guy named Darnell. He was from San Marino, and he was normal, besides the fact that he was one-third dinosaur. I still liked him, though. Would our baby be one-sixth dinosaur, I wondered. I never figured out because when I went to deliver the baby, I delivered myself. Not the female version of me that I was in the dream, but actual me in real life. I looked at me and said, "But you're... you?" or something to that effect. Suddenly, I was transported inside of the mind of the regular version of me and was looking at the female version of me that had just given birth to the male version of me. Just as I was about to say something, a grand piano fell out of the sky and crushed the female version of me. It was odd. I hadn't even noticed that the female version of me was delivering the male version of me in an open field. Not knowing where the piano came from, I ran. I found a door in the middle of the field, and went through it. On the other side was backstage at a Public Enemy concert around 1993. I went to go back, but someone grabbed me and said, "Where are you going?" I was going to say something, but then I looked in a mirror and realized I was Flava-Flav. I rushed on stage, and stage dove right back into being awake."