Flarf

Whale bones not withstanding, Flarf is quite the interesting thing. It's never been to outer space, but nobody's judging it for that. Heck, you can probably see right through it. I didn't want to have to be the one to say anything about that, but somebody's got to be the so-called "Tim Allen" around here, and it may as well be me. It's not so bad, though, after all. It would be a shame if that meant something negative, but nobody would notice, even if it did.

The Unfortunate History Of Flarf

Flarf has always been known as a bit of a musty sort. It's not anybody's fault, it's just the natural way of things for Flarf. Musty and drippy, that's the only kind of Flarf there is. Certainly hasn't aged well, that's for sure. I mean, it's always been musty and drippy, that much hasn't changed. But there was a time when being musty and drippy was really hip. Alas, it's been centuries since that time, and in modern society, being musty and drippy is little better than totally square, daddy-o. I'd blame the astronauts, but they were only doing their jobs. At least nobody was seriously injured.

Flarf owes a large part of its existence to Lance Berkman, the Panamanian God of Fire. Rumored for eons to be a simple myth, Lance came to Flarf in a dream one long and lonesome night, many moons past. In the dream, Lance showed Flarf an omen; the impending destruction of the Persian Gulf and flooding of its coastal villages as the result of over-tweeting on the meganet. When pressed for comment, reporters had this to say:

It's so difficult to arrange a decent press conference these days. Luckily, we're merely a figment of Flarf's bizarre subconscious imagination. That keeps the utility bills pretty low.

Lance Berkman then imparted a few kind words of advice, and left on his way. Three hundred thousand years later, the Persian Gulf and all of its coastal villages were emaciated in a barrage of laser fire. While Flarf was certainly not indifferent to the suffering of the gulf, there was very little it could do about it, and so it continued to sit, immobile, until the very day of judgment. That day, Flarf shed a single tear for all of the other quite interesting things destroyed in the incident. In the world of humans, who always do odd sorts of things in these situations, flags were raised and houses were burned. Fruit was eaten and livestock were released. Pie was baked and rocks were thrown. Children were force-fed Greek dressing gowns and birds were strapped to model rockets. The circle of life went on, and Flarf went back to being Flarf, just as the moon, after having recently retired and gone to live with a pack of hippies in Bellingham, had come back to its home in the emptiness of space, and went back to being the moon.

Flarf In Popular Culture

Flarf achieved more widespread notoriety when it was used by the iconic villain Doctor Meatloaf to try to disassemble a commercial airliner in the film Godzilla Vs. James Bond. While the Doctor's nefarious plan was not as successful as he'd hoped, and not even as successful as the film's writers had hoped, Flarf's performance was held in universally high regard by critics and movie-goers alike, until its unfortunate incarceration in federal prison for having stolen the Crown Jewels of Tibet. This incident was made all the more baffling by the fact that Tibet's Crown Jewels had already previously been stolen by the Archduke of Wilmington, which itself was also curious, due to the conspicuous non-existence of Crown Jewels of Tibet, or an Archduke of Wilmington. Flarf declined to comment on the situation, except to say that it hoped Barbara was happy that this was what it had become since their divorce. Flarf then spit on the ground and emitted a quiet belch.

An episode of the hit Canadian television series How It's Made included information on the production process of Flarf. Although the entire Flarf-making process was filmed and documented, the owners of FlarfCo® later retracted their decision to reveal their secret Flarf composition-tank mechanism that until that point had never been witnessed by non-employees. Deciding that it would be less than beneficial for their business model, FlarfCo® execs repossessed the footage of the secret process in a grand theft case that eventually made it to the United States Supreme Court, ending in the unanimous decision of "Glorpy Tongs" by a jury entirely composed of wild peccaries, after a deliberation period of seven years.

Survivorman Nightmares

Flarf is well-known to be the product of nightmares induced by falling asleep with the television turned too loud during marathons of Survivorman. Along with the Great Salmon Monster, the Ghost of the Shelter-Trap Swamp Boat, and the Screaming Woman, this role-playing game-like environment is host to numerous Flarf-themed nemeses. Armed with only a tripod and a thick distaste for Frankie Muniz, the dream player must navigate through wave upon wave of dastardly foes, stopping only to occasionally fry up an eggplant for sustenance. Care must be taken that the eggplant is not exhausted too quickly, until the point in the game where an inexhaustible deposit of Klondike bars is found. It is advised that early on when the player is given the choice to breed a pet salmon, that more than one not be taken, for this is part of the plot that evolves into the game's first battle, against the mutated Great Salmon Monster, the first seen of many. Taking more than one salmon at the outstart is terribly difficult, and will make it nearly impossible to save the inexplicably placed helpless little girl.

The seemingly wooden doors on the Shelter-Trap Swamp Boat are actually constructed of a Flarf alloy called Flarfium, which rather unfortunately crumbles when slammed and locked, a major design flaw hampering Flarf's development as a construction material in the world of nightmare gaming. Flarf is ambivalent on this issue, realizing that its use as a construction material may negatively impact people stuck in Shelter-Trap Swamp Boats running from Salmon Monsters, but postulating that a more properly engineered alloy would serve the trade well.

Whether or not a sequel dream game is planned is entirely dependent on the first volume's octopus streak.