Letters to the Editor

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Following is a selection of Letters to the Editor, as chosen from the General Help Magazine mailbag.

Letter #1[edit]

Dear Editor,

I have a problem. I EXIST! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Emo Kid

Response[edit]

Dear Emo Kid,

There are two solutions to your problem. They are to either spontaneously combust or to vanish into thin air. You should weigh these options out with your family before making the decision.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #2[edit]

Dear Editor,

My head recently fell off and I followed all of the instructions in the manual put for some reason my head still falls off. Is there a way to keep my head stable?
Sincerely,
Eugene Smith

Response[edit]

Dear Eugene,

I understand what the problem you're going through. Me, being a decapitate myself know that using the right screws to fit your head is the most important part to recapitation. Make sure on the third bolt from the axis you use a 3 inch bolt instead of a 2 inch one. Hope your head fits on nicely.
Sincerely
Teh Editor

Letter #3[edit]

Dear Editor,

I have a MAJOR problem. Whenever I press the backspace button, the last letter I typed vanishes in THIN AIR! Like it was never there!!! WHAT DO I DO!
Sincerely,
Lisa Johansen

Response[edit]

Dear Lisa,

You can calm down. Every thing is going to be all right. I have an easy solution. Use the delete key instead! So instead of the last letter you typed being erased, it's the letter in front of your cursor. I hope this helped you.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #4[edit]

A.

Response[edit]

B.

Letter #5[edit]

Dear Editor,

I've discovered that I'm hungry. Is there any way for me to cure this?
Sincerely,
Bob Fathead

Response[edit]

Dear Bob,

This is a common problem, which several people have experienced. The simplest solution is to find something edible, preferably with nutritional value, break it up into parts that can easily fit in your mouth, and then chew and swallow each of these parts. Your body will do the rest.
[Side effects may include the need to use the toilet, which results from parts of no nutritional value being expelled from the body. If this occurs you should by all means go to the bathroom and do so.]
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #6[edit]

Dear Editor,

I had an argument with my friend today, and it turned into a fist fight. I ended up with a bad bleed on my elbow. What do you recommend that I do?
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Response[edit]

Dear Anonymous,

These arguments can hurt sometimes. To make things better, I suggest washing the blood off your elbow with warm water, and then applying some sort of bandage to it. This should help the bleeding.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #7[edit]

Dear Editor,

I swallowed a quarter a couple seconds ago and now it's stuck in my airway. My skin is turning blue and I have one question. Is my skin turning blue because of a disease?
Sincerely,
Billy Redmond

Response[edit]

Dear Billy,

Your skin is turning blue because of a terminal disease. You should consult a doctor about this disease and congratz on swallowing the quarter.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #8[edit]

Dear Editor,

I got shot in the eye and I would like to know if there is any high-tech medical treatment to heal this?
Sincerely,
Private Parts

Response[edit]

Dear Private Parts,

Actually, there is a new medical treatment. It's called the Band-Aid. Just put it over your eye and it should heal up nice.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #9[edit]

Dear Editor,

Eight months ago, my boyfriend and I made love. Now there is a huge lump in my stomach. What is this?
Sincerely,
Ann Harlem

Response[edit]

Dear Ann,

Well.. I think you should lay off the snacks for a bit... The lump is what we experts call "saturated fat".
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #10[edit]

Dear Edi-or,

-he " " bu--on on my keyboard doesn'- seem -o work. Is -here any-hing you can --hink of -ha- would help me fix -his -roubling -ask?
Sincerely,
-ony -or-illa

Response[edit]

Dear... Tony?

We all know that simple gum can fix the problem. All of us. However, for a more "ethnic" approach, call in the tech support and see what he/she can do. If nothing fails, I would recommend eating the keyboard and purchasing a new one. Best served with mustard.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #11[edit]

Dear Editor,

I have a major issue. I forgot how to stand. Can you teach me?
Sincerely,
Major Issue

Response[edit]

Dear Major Issue,

I see the issue there. I have decided to give you step by step instructions.
  • First: Sit up
  • Second: Push yourself upward
  • Third: Put both of your feet about a foot away from each other but parallel.
  • Fourth: Find balance and there you go!

Thanks for your question. Please mail me back if you need to remember how to walk.

Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #12[edit]

Dear Editor,

By any chance do you know how to cut someone's skin to remove their liver after brutally slaying them? Just curious. I mean, like I would like never do it..
Sincerely,
Jack T. Ripper

Response[edit]

Dear Jack,

With a knife.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #13[edit]

Dear Editor,

Hey Editor, it's me. I'm on Millionaire and I have a question. It is: What letter comes after "P" in the alphabet? Your answers are
  • A. "R"
  • B. "T"
  • C. "Q"
  • And D. "4"

I gotta say I'm leanin' towards C. 15 seconds. C'mon I need an answer! 10 seconds! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ANSWER ME! 5 seconds! Aw. Come on!

Sincerely,
General E. Speaking

Response[edit]

Dear General E,

General! What are you doing? Of course the answer is D! It goes "L, M, N, O, P, 4, R, S"! Sheesh...
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #14[edit]

Dear Diary,

Today sucked. I learned... Well... My parents don't know this but... I'm pregnant. I hope my dad never finds out. He's the editor of that STUPID magazine.... ya know.. that "Help" magazine. Well bye, Diary...
Melissa

Response[edit]

Dear Melissa,

YOU'RE PREGNANT!!! HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE THIS FAMILY? I am calling your mother, missy! Ugh... When I get home young woman... When I get home...
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #15[edit]

Dear Editor,

I've got this problem. Whenever I look outside, my neighbors are in my yard. I don't understand it? There's a sign that reads "Private Property" and when I say "Do you see the sign?" They say, "I thought the sign indicated you lived there". What's that supposed to mean? Help me.
Sincerely,
Private Property

Response[edit]

Dear Private,

I have a solution to your problem! All new Neighbor Spray. Spray it all over your lawn and there will be no more neighbors on your lawn! The secret is patented Swedish technology, originally developed for NASA but is now available to you! Buy now cause they're going fast. It's only $10.99! YOU CAN NOT BUY THIS IN STORES! Wait! There's more! If you call in the next ten minutes you get another can of Neighbor Spray FREE! Also we'll give you a bottle of Whisk-eeze. A great sleep medicine for your cat! That's a $50.00 value for just $10.99! So you get two cans of Neighbor Spray and a completely unrelated product, Whisk-eeze! Call us at 1-800-YOU-SUCK NOW!
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #16[edit]

Dear Editor,

I am reading the instructions correctly and everything but for some reason I still can't seem to fly! I am putting my feet together, saying the magic words, touching my nose with my tongue, doing the electric slide, pushing the Easy Button, and jumping but I'm still not flying. Do you know what I'm doing wrong?
Sincerely,
Kent Clark

Response[edit]

Dear Kent,

I see what you're doing wrong! You have to put your feet together, say the magic words, touch your nose with your tongue, do the electric slide, push the Easy Button, then do a somersault, and then jump. There ya go.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #17[edit]

Dear Editor,

I don't know how to sing the alphabet backwards and count by thirteens at the same time by saying one letter and then one number, over and over again while riding a tiger with rabies. I know this is a simple task. Why can't I accomplish this child's play?
Sincerely,
R. E. Tardo

Response[edit]

Dear Retardo,

The answer is simple. You have down syndrome. Not only do you have down syndrome, but you have autism, and Assburgers (or cheeseburgers or whatever that disability is) too. Ya that's right. You are stupid.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #18[edit]

Dear Editor,

You wouldn't know directions around the world in a plane, would you? I would really need them for me and my friend Charles. I need this by the 2nd. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Amelia

Response[edit]

Dear Amelia,

Okay. You just fly straight until you fly over this part called the Bermuda Triangle. It is crucial you avoid that part of the Atlantic. Wait.. Aw.. this is the 3rd. I guess I'm too late....
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #19[edit]

Dear Editor,

Can you help me with this math problem?

1214215.628061516 - 52561 - 326 +2414.232 x 1342.363% - 532.13241422234 x 3.14 = ?

Sincerely,
Ike N. Hannah

Response[edit]

Uh... E = MC squared?

Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #20[edit]

Dear Editor,

I really would like to know if there are other colors out there. You know, like other than orange, purple, red, blue green, yellow....ect. Because there is no way of knowing because we haven't seen it yet...
Sincerely
Atticus Willabellamunch

Response[edit]

Dear Mr. Willabellamunch,

I guess the magical undiscovered color is Tinkytoob. It is.... oh I couldn't explain it cause you haven't seen it. Well you see one time I was really high after a trampolining party and when I was floating through space I discovered a new color.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #21[edit]

Dear Editor,

i pooped my pants in skool. wat shud i do
frum,
patick

Response[edit]

Dear Patick,

Change pants
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #22[edit]

Dear Editor,

I've fallen and I can't get up. Help.
Sincerely,
Old Lady with Broken Hip

Response[edit]

Dear Old Lady with Broken Hip,

Life alert.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #23[edit]

Dear Editor,

I just killed someone. The cops are at my house what do I do?
Sincerely,
C. Reull Killa

Response[edit]

Dear C. Reull,

Avoiding the police is one of my specialties. Just take a doughnut and throw it behind the cops. That should distract them long enough. Wait... you killed someone... Who'd you kill? One second... Honey! Honey? WHAT THE POOP? You killed my wife....
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #24[edit]

Dear Editor,

It seems I have put my shirt on backwards. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Johnny Johnson

Response[edit]

Dear Johnny,

I see the problem there. I will lay it out in steps.
  1. Make sure it's on backwards
  2. Carefully remove said shirt from body
  3. Slowly turn around said shirt
  4. Carefully put said shirt on said body
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #25[edit]

Dear Editor,

What is the square root of a piece of pie?
Sincerely,
A sack of cat barf

Response[edit]

Dear A,

You can figure that out with this simple formula:

 pie - pie + urine - Testostereich x Hindleyite's robot wife - Fonchezzz' ducks = 3.3325677

So your answer is 3.3325677

Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #26[edit]

Dear Editor,

Do frogs really go pop in the microwave?
Sincerely,
Mikey. Ya know. That kid on the Life cereal commercials?

Response[edit]

Dear Mikey,

Uh... One sec. Oh my god! It blew up! Get the fire extinguisher! Yes.
Sincerely
Teh Editor

Letter #27[edit]

Dear Editor,

Hey. I'm stuck on a level in Mario Bros. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
T. Threepeo

Response[edit]

Dear T.,

No. I don't know the level.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #28[edit]

Dear Editor,

I'm dying and I don't know what to do.
Sincerely,
A. Dead Guy

Response[edit]

Dear A,

That's not a question.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #29[edit]

Dear Editor,

Yo dawg. Can I kill you dawg? Ya know, I feel you man, but you just so f*ckin' annoying, man. So yeah, can I pop a cap in yo ass b*tch?
Sincerely,
RayShaunojamaal

Response[edit]

Dear RayShaunojamaal,

No.
Sincerely,
Teh Editor

Letter #30[edit]

Dear Editor,

Hey! Can you answer this riddle for me? What's black and white and read all over?
Sincerely,
Johnny Icantthinkofanameinson

Response[edit]

Dear Johnny,

Ugh... Ya got me... I've NEVER heard this before. You must of made it up yourself? Agh! I'm hittin' the sack. Enough letter answerin' for one night... Goodnight...
Sincerely,
The Editor