Marijuana geese

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Marijuana geese are a special kind of infinitesimal hyperreal that smuggled themselves into the Land of Infinity in about 42 BBY. They did this by disguising themselves as cows disguised as trees disguised as goose-shaped clusters of plastic marijuana leaves. The cows, as it turns out, were actually Wookiees walking on all fours and pretending to eat grass, which only added to the effectiveness of the disguise in spite of the fact that the Wookiees were non-canonical Sith lords who spoke Klingon with a Finnish accent.

Introduction[edit]

The above is the official story, which all the main media outlets on the planet of Foozleblark are parroting. (In fact, there's only one main media outlet and it happens to be called The Parrot -- with a talking parrot as its logo, with a speech balloon containing words in a snake language written in Prehistoric Chinese script, and feathers coloured with all the colours that aren't in the rainbow -- but that's something else entirely; the authors of this document suggest you contact your local UTRS[1] branch for more information.) There are several theories in circulation about the conspiracy that led to marijuana geese taking up residence in not only the Land of Infinity but some very finite countries (including the one you live in[2]), and Free Unreliable News (FUN) recommend that you believe all of them, even though they completely contradict each other. It's about as easy as believing that 2 + 2 = 5. Or so we'd like you to think.

Conspiracy theories Very real conspiracies that totally exist and that we will drop petrol bombs through your window if you don't believe them[edit]

The first theory (or rather, version of the truth--'theory' is highly politically incorrect and must not be used on pain of incurring the execution of one's ice cream) we may or may not discuss holds that marijuana geese are geese that get stoned a lot, and that there is a conspiracy to apply the name to other creatures that the government wants you to believe exist, but actually don't. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything the government says is false. Especially the stuff about yellow cars, but that's another story.

The second version of the truth states that marijuana geese were created when two and a half planes crashed--or rather, didn't crash; everyone knows it was really explosives (two and a half explosives!)--into the Twin Towers. Marijuana geese were created to cover up what happened with the explosives and didn't happen with the planes, and make people believe that there were planes rather than explosives. That is, the geese were hired to add sufficient quantities of marijuana to the film footage that everyone watching it would get stoned and believe that there were some number of planes in there. How did that work? You're not supposed to ask that.

The third version of the truth asserts that marijuana geese are actually Wookiees disguised as geese, that they follow the light side of the Force rather than the dark side (which would make them Jedi, though still non-canonical), and that they speak Finnish with a Russian accent rather than Klingon with a Finnish accent. They also smoke bagel juice out of bongs made from complex numbers; the association with marijuana is a conspiracy created by using mind control towers. Mind control towers are also being used to make us believe that there aren't any Wookiees. They are disguised as cellphone towers, which are disguised as trees. We are subliminally aware that something is disguised as trees, so they tell us that it's the marijuana geese, but it's actually the mind control towers. If the trees on your lawn don't drop their leaves in the winter, you're in trouble. Big trouble.

What can we conclude from this?[edit]

Never believe anything the media and government tell you. They are being controlled by irrational numbers and marijuana geese. Don't believe anything anyone else tells you, either; anyone could be under the influence of the mind control rays or the ice cream Wookiees, or whatever they're using. In fact, you probably shouldn't believe this stuff you're reading right now. Burn all the books!

What action can I take against these conspiracies so that nobody kidnaps my child?[edit]

Call the UTRS at 1-800-TOFFEE. We'll help you solve all the problems you don't actually have, and turn your brain to mush in the process. Yum! Oh, and steal all your money. We are a scam, after all--what good would we be if we did it for free?

Footnotes[edit]

  1. The other one. The one with the Welshmen who steal taffy from children with irrational number breath. You know the one.
  2. It doesn't matter which one it is. They're everywhere. Like Chicken Man. He's everywhere! He's everywhere!