Shetland goats
| Shetland Goat | ||
|---|---|---|
 | ||
| Conservation Status | ||
| Near Threatened | ||
| Kingdom | Animalia | |
| Phylum | Netherlandius | |
| Class | Hairius | |
| Order | Goatia | |
| Family | Smellius | |
| Genus | Assius | |
| Species | A.Shitta | |
| Weight | 60 tonnes | |
| Height | 60 cm | |
| Binomial Name | ||
Shetland goats are goats from one hell of a bloody hellhole in the Shetland. And yes, they bite and shit demonic essences everywhere.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
They actually seem not any different from the feral goats in Scotland, with horns, fur and all. Only a red, bloodshot stare and their habits set them apart from their supposed Scottish counterparts. (If they even are their relatives)
Habitat and Behaviour[edit | edit source]
In the Shetlands, researchers have concluded that a herd of at least 300 would lurk hard in a Shetland Trolls' intestine, where there are lots of nutrition to be found in its bacteria-rich feces and the mold growing on the cave walls from lack of maintenance. They are usually rather neutral, feasting and defecating, but they also seem to have cannibalistic tendencies.
However, when the host passes away, they wander out in search of another Shetland Troll. During this duration, the peasants on the islands slam their doors shut and will have to resort to nagging the local council for bread, for fear their pitiful ships will be swarmed by them.
Diet[edit | edit source]
As I said, my dear, they eat feces. (And their fellow mates and the locals, on the occasion they are on the verge of starvation)
Their Feces[edit | edit source]
The feces seems to turn everything into a bloody nightmare if came into contact with. Patients hallucinate about three legged hobos chasing them down the streets, even though there is no freak-shows nor homeless men in their immediate vicinity. Usually the patients are mad for the rest of their life.
What to do if encountered[edit | edit source]
If you happen to encounter a Shetland goat on your travels, you are pretty much fucked like any drunken fishermen in the Shetlands. Either you get eaten or get hospitalised somewhere in the middle of the ocean, trapped in a nightmare. What happens here usually stays here.
Two trenches and goats on a plane[edit | edit source]
During the First World War, the Shetland peasants often get recruited by the Brits for their supposed roughness after living on an island for centuries. The villagers' medieval tendencies to use pitchforks, however, soon got them massacred. With a little of more than a few hundred men alive, one young officer had the "brilliant" plan of dropping in Shetland goat after hearing of their reputations as living nightmares. A British battlion arrived a few months later, only to find a wrecked plane, pieces of meat and goats.
Note[edit | edit source]
There are no photos for Shetland goats as the camera crew happened to be gnawed on by goats. We found them pretty much savaged.