The Aliens

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This article has been deemed
E P I C
because it's cool enough to curdle cheese.
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Billions of light years from Earth, there is yet another planet on which intelligent life has developed. The planet is called "The Other Planet that has Life." It isn't a very creative name.

The Other Planet that has Life was populated by creatures far more technologically advanced than human beings. One night, Xvorg Smith, a researcher on the planet, was peering through a superpowered telescope at the stars, when he spotted something. A blue spec. He zoomed in on it, and gasped. He was looking at a city.

"COME HERE, QUICK!" he bellowed to his peers, "I've found life! LIFE!!"

The other scientists in the observatory ran over to the telescope to see for themselves. Sure enough, there was a city on this strange planet. They zoomed in closer, and saw weird pink beings wearing bright pink clothing.

"Those are some weird-ass aliens," said one scientist, "Look at the primitive vehicles they drive around in." He was looking at a car.

Over the course of the next few years, the scientists continued to observe this strange alien race. The more they observed the humans, the more they pitied them. The humans fought so many wars. They tortured and killed each other daily.

Finally, Xvorg went to the government with his findings and said, "We've discovered life on another planet, but it's life that's in a very sad state. They desperately need our help."

Minister Bob, leader of the planet, said "Indeed. Then we shall send a massive spaceship to their planet. The spaceship will have a million of us in it. We will teach them all we know. We will show them how to extend their technology to virtually eliminate death and old age. But more importantly, we will show them how to forget their differences and create a planet that lives in complete harmony. Their planet, which has up to this point lived in constant turmoil, will enter a new golden age."

And so, over the next 45 years, Xvorg and his men worked on constructing a massive spaceship that would contain an entire city's population. A city eagerly volunteered to go to Earth.

Finally, the ship was finished, and an enormous crowd showed up to farewell the brave adventurers who would be making the long, arduous voyage to Earth.

The spaceship launched without difficulty, and flew out into the vaccuum of space.

"We will arrive there in approximately 300 years," said Xvorg to the crew, "So we'll all be middle aged by the time we arrive."

Every day, Xvorg and his friends practiced role playing. They rehearsed how they would communicate to the aliens once they arrived on the strange planet of earth.

Then, one day, the ship gave a lurch. "What happened?" said Xvorg.

He got a call from the engine room. "We've had a fatal malfunction. The Sporgus Connipulator lost a conversion crystal and started to overheat, jamming the fusion accelerators of the particle propulsion unit."

"Sounds pretty bad," said Xvorg.

"No actually, it's not bad at all," said the engineer, "I actually FIXED that. But then I dropped a sandwich into the machine."

"Damn!"

"We'll have to crash land on a nearby planet."


Unfortunately, the planet that was nearest to them was called "The Planet that Nobody should ever try to Crash Land on."

But they decided they would have to try. The only other alternative was to turn back. And they couldn't abandon the humans. They loved the humans like sons and daughters. They needed to teach the humans their knowledge--which is the real treasure, after all.

And so they decided to brave the crash on the planet.

The planet's surface was completely composed of extremely sharp spikes, volcanoes, and explosives.

"Damn!" shrieked Xvorg, "There's no way we can survive this! Not unless we land on trampoline plateau, the ONLY place on the whole planet that's safe for a landing!"

By a miraculous stroke of luck, that's exactly where they landed. But they bounced so hard off the giant trampoline, they were hurled off course and spun into the cosmos. They were nearly sucked into a black hole and, worst of all, they lost their plumbing system. They were forced to use the bathroom on "The Planet where NOBODY should EVER stop to use the bathroom." The planet was horrible--mile after mile of deceivingly normal looking outhouses that bit off your...bits...when you sat on them. But they all endured. They all lost their balls, but they endured. Xvorg said as he sat on the toilet, "I'm doing it for the humans!"

Years passed. They were lost. They had been flung by the trampoline into previously uncharted space.

They wandered aimlessly for 50 years before finding their way back to charted territory. But their troubles were not yet over.

"Commander Xvorg!"

"What?"

"Nothing. I just felt like saying your name. It sounds so cool."

"Well thanks, but only say it when there's an emergency. I'm trying to masturbate."

"COMMANDER XVORG!"

"WHAT NOW?"

"LOOK!"

Xvorg looked up from his eight penises and saw an approaching ship.

"Oh no! It's the Pirates!"

Legends on their home planet had described the dreaded Pirates, a group of their kind who had stolen a massive ship and passed their time raping and kill innocent members of their species.

"We've got to fight them! Set guns on KILL!"

"We don't have guns! We're a peaceful civilization!"

"Oh yeah! Damn!"

But the Pirates DID have guns. And they fired them at the spaceship. The ship was rendered useless. Actually, it had already been rendered useless by the sandwich in the engine. Damn, I forgot I had written that. Now my story has a gaping continuity error. Oh well. I'll just keep writing and hope nobody notices. Although now that I've pointed out the mistake, most people will probably detect the mistake. Unless readers skip this paragraph by a wild stroke of luck. But that's pretty unlikely.

But anyway, the pirates boarded the ship.

"PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME!" bellowed Xvorg as he cowered in a corner.

The commander of the pirates was a huge, terrifying, hairy brute. He carried a humungous ray gun in one hand, a whip in the other, and a baby bottle in the other. Yes, he had three hands.

He walked up to Xvorg and said, "Rape? What? What stories have YOU been hearing?"

"You rape and kill innocent travelers!"

"RAPE AND KILL? What? We just wash windows!"

"What?"

"We'd never kill anyone! That would be CRUEL! We shoot ships then wash their windows! Now stand back fool, while we WASH YOUR WINDOW!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"But...there's nothing wrong with washing a window!"

"You might not think so now...but we use SOAP!"

The pirates washed the windows of the ship repeatedly, cackling as the crew looked on indifferently.

"Now don't tell the police we came here," said the Pirate, "Or else we'll be back...and we'll be washing the DOORS too!"

"How could I tell the police?" said Xvorg, "We don't have any police on our planet, remember? There's no crime. We live in harmony."

"I just told you not to tell the police for the dramatic effect. It also helped me set up for the one-liner about washing doors."

"It wasn't a very good one liner."

"SILENCE, FOOL!" The pirate menacinly pulled a bar of soap out of his pocket and said, "AAAAAARGH!"

"Look, just go away, won't you? We've got to help the humans!"

"Humans? What are they?"

"They're these really pathetic aliens on a planet that's billions of miles away from here. We want to show them how to be like us. We want to cure the illnesses that plague the core of their plastic society."

"Honestly, are they really worth this much trouble? Let 'em rot, I say!"

"But these people SERIOUSLY need help. I mean, they EAT sugar!"

"They EAT it? Don't they know that it destroys the body?"

"Oh, they know, but they eat it anyway!"

"Yikes."

"And they've fought more wars in the last 50 years than our planet has ever fought. They need us."

"Okay...well, you can use our ship if you want. Just promise to let us stop and make window-washing raids occasionally."

"Uh...alright."

And so, Xvorg and his entire crew moved onto the pirate ship, which thankfully was big enough to accomodate them all.

After 400 more years, the ship had finally arrived at Earth.

"Isn't it gorgeous?" said Xvorg, as they looked down on the blue orb beneath them, "We're here at last. We endured pirate attacks, engine malfunctions, poorly written action sequences, and genital-eating toilets. Now we can do what we were meant to do--lift a sick society out of the mud."

Xvorg had tears in his eyes--all 97.6 of them--as he steered the ship down to earth and landed it in the middle of a massive field.

Over the course of the day, the ship was emptied. All 1.5 million crew members filed out the ship and surrounded it in a gigantic crowd. "My friends!" shouted Xvorg to the crowd, "Now all we have to do is wait for the humans to arrive, and we will then tell them all our secrets! We will teach them to forget that hate ever existed! Their planet will become a paradise, just like ours! THE GOLDEN AGE OF THE HUMAN RACE HAS ARRIVED! This is their hour, and ours! The defining moment of the human race!"

The crowd cheered and sobbed. And then a human being arrived. His name was John, and he was late for work.

I forgot to mention that Xvorg, like every other member of his species, was only half a centimeter tall. The army of a million of them took up a total of three square inches.

"HEY!" screamed Xvorg as John walked up, "WE HAVE COME TO TELL YOU THE MEANING OF LIFE!"

John didn't hear. He was gazing at his wristwatch. He started to run.

"Everyone, yell together!" yelled Xvorg, "He can't hear us!"

John broke into a sprint. His eyes were still fixed on his wristwatch.

"WE WANT TO HELP YOU!" chanted the miniscule crowd, "WE WANT TO HELP YOU! WE CAN SAVE YOU! WE CAN SAVE YOU!"

John continued to sprint, breaking into a cold sweat. If he lost his job, he wouldn't be able to pay off his mortgage. "WE CAN SAVE YOU!" And his wife would probably leave him. "WE CAN SAVE YOU!" And his kid would run away from home for the ninth time for that week. "WE CAN SAVE YOU!" And he wouldn't be able to afford an eighteenth television set. "WE CAN SAVE YOU!"

SQUELCH!

The last that Xvorg saw of the human race was the bottom of John's shoe.

"Oh GREAT!" shouted John in disgust as he tried to wipe the remains of the army off his shoe, "First I'm late for work, and then I step in dog shit!"