The base for mental unhealth
Do you feel a bit unstable and confused? Did you accidentally join a cult when trying to find your keys? Has your everyday life developed into a confusing and disturbing space in time where everyone and everything is a possible threat to you? Can you read?
If so, please continue reading. If not, press Alt+F4 and continue with your everyday life.
It seems as though you have gone through an advanced and extremely special stage of life. Because of this, I would like to welcome you to a place; a place so very special that God Himself noted it for how useful it was. This place is a secret base that gives you an opportunity at something really quite amazing.
So, without further ado...
…to The base for mental unhealth! we have been expecting you!
You lucky devil, our computer indicates that as our millionth
alive member you've been given the executive suite. Located somewhere in the basement, this five star establishment has all the luxuries you'll need to take full advantage of your stay. Here at the base for mental unhealth we know how annoying a small bed can be, so we've extended it for you, all across the room, over the floors, the door, up the walls, and even the ceiling. Hell, while your here, your room will just be one giant matressy kingdom of slumber.
So you're wondering exactly what the base is, yes?
The base for mental unhealth is a building that is designed to take those with different minds and making them into something very very powerful. However, it takes a lifetime to achieve, so strap in for a long, wild, and potentialy fatal adventure ahead of you!
What I'm saying is that we take people with minds very similar to yours and we conduct a series of revealing tests on them to show just how worthy they all really are. If they are, they move on to become an infinitely powerful being. but if they do not.... they are escorted by limo off the premises, into a ditch.
This is the lab.
The lab is the room where we perform many tests on people just like you. THIS IS NORMAL. Everyone has tests from time to time. These are exactly the same, except instead of grades at the end of it, you can win even more amazing prizes like family visits and parole for good performances. Woops, did I say parole? Because that's just fancy speak for ice cream. Delicious, mentally unstable ice cream.
Not only are there MASSIVE rectal probations, usually on the hour; but we put participants through other even less humane tests, often with no other scientific purpose than to utterly humiliate you. We reserve the right to confiscate limbs without prior consent. But there's nothing to worry about, you'll be too drugged to notice the difference!
And over here is the deluxe dining gallery. A humongous room of 3 by 4ft this is where we serve our
victims participants meals. Chefs have been brought in from every corner of the globe to ensure the highest quality of food is maintained. So good is it, that extra culinary equipment is required to dine on it, such as handcuffs and an electrode to the brain. Delish! There is a set menu, but the options to choose from are bottomless. Even if you stayed here for the rest of your life, which you will you wouldn't get to try every kind of placebo and untested drug available on it. Recently, though, we've had a food shortage, so every meal consists of exactly one and a half saltine crackers. Just to be clear you will not starve to death, you'll just end up like those thin African kids on the Discovery Channel. Which is normal. NORMAL. NORMAL IS GOOD. YOU WANT NORMAL.
And, lastly, we have the barracks. This is where we take all of you special people when it is time to sleep, at 6 o clock prompt. "That's a bit early?" you may say, but you're wrong. Everyone goes to sleep at 6 o clock. EVERYONE. We know best. EVERYONE. If anyone is having trouble sleeping, perhaps struggling with nightmares to do with being taken hostage by an insane doctor in a mental hospital, we lovingly whack them across the head with a stick, or drug them out of their little minds. EVERYONE. Once you are all asleep, we continue with our special jobs designed to make you the very best you can be.
Sadly, though, the latrines have clogged up, so you must either dispose of your wastes in the river five miles a way or do it in your pants.
We have possible side effects...
But don't worry about those. They're very minor. Normally I wouldn't say this, but I signed a contract forcing me too. Some include seizures, (pfft), loss of vision, (don't need that), dilation of pupils, (waheey!), heart failure, (i did say minor), kidney failure, (you've always got a spare one), lung failure, (no big deal), brain failure, (time's a healer on this baby), stomach convulsions, (that's just the digestion fairy working it's magic), strokes, (we all have 'em), arm spasms, (too much muscle you hunk), spontaneous implosion (That is very messy. I recommend you stay away from the Dolphins; they've been known to cause it.), which is perfectly normal for someone your age, honestly, and, in some very rare cases, itchy skin.
See, nothing to worry about, even a one legged foetus with no organs could deal with them. ..not that we have any one legged foetuses with no organs lying around .... in long columns of test tubes .... upstairs where you're not allowed.
However, most of our patients, I mean, guests, never experience those terrible effects.
While you are here...
Feel free to eat worms and just be yourself. Take your medicine and think twice before you consider doing anything, in fact, don't think at all! All pilled out for the day? The game room is there to help you relax and kickback, available at your leisure. Though might I suggest watching out for the serial killers lurking in the corner? They have been known to go after people every once in a while. WHICH IS NORMAL
At last, we come to the close of our little tour. The fun is soon to begin (rest assured the door has been locked shut behind you, escape is out of the question). And I find it fitting I conclude with this room, the luxury bathroom suite. feel free to take baths in our exclusive deluxeformaldehydecyanidechloridegenocide uncleaned baths, located on the west wing. Along the way, you may notice several doors along the hallway. It is crucial that you DO NOT enter these rooms, for people have their "tests" done in those rooms. If you hear any screaming coming from those doors, you are probably hallucinating, and should contact
your our doctor immediately. He'll be able to probe into the issue.
Oh, and on a final note don't forget to dig out all your old strap-ons and leather jackets before you sign up. Otherwise you could miss out on our fun-packed Swingers Sundays!
So, welcome, and and enjoy your stay at.... The base for mental unhealth.
Muuuaaahahahhahahahahahaaaaaaaahahahaahah -- End Transmission.
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