7 signs of rapture
I don't know what rapture is. I know it has something to do with the Bible. But I haven't read the Bible. I've looked at the front cover a few times, and I know how to spell "Bible." I know the tale of Adam and Eve, and the coinciding number that a sneeze produced (try to figure out THAT one!). But other than that, my Biblical knowledge is fairly limited.
However, "Rapture" to me sounds like sexual pleasure that is caused by a dinosaur. Rather than looking up the actual meaning of Rapture, I'm gonna assume that my made-up definition is the correct one. With that in mind, we will now proceed with
or SEVEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE
BEING SEXUALLY STIMULATED
BY A DINOSAUR,
or WHY YOU SHOULDN'T WRITE
ARTICLES WHEN YOU'RE SLEEP
DEPRIVED AND YOU KIND OF
HAVE TO PEE
SIGN #1 - The first sign is easiest to recognise. Look around you. Do you see any signs that say You are in Rapture!!! If so, you needn't proceed any further. Rapture is upon you.
Sign #2 - The second sign involves figuring out if you are experiencing sexual pleasure at the moment. If you do not know how to recognize sexual pleasure, consult a physician immediately and he will arrange for your Treatment.
Sign #3 - If you ARE experiencing sexual pleasure at the moment, you must figure out if that sexual pleasure is caused by a Dinosaur. Dinosaurs can be easily recognized because they have six legs and long proboscii used for sucking blood. Actually, that's a mosquito. If you're experiencing sexual pleasure caused by a mosquito, you're freakin' weird. I want to remove my clothes.
Sign #4 - Uhhh...Elves?
Sign #5 - If you have large scratch marks on your body, or you notice that any of your limbs have beeeeeeen recently munched on (CRUNCH, CRUNCH, BONES CRUSHED, HAHAHA), then you are likely experiencing a Carcharodontosaurus attack. Consult a local physician immediately, so he can put you on hold. Remove your pants.
SIGN #6 - Empty soda bottles are raining out of the sky, and turning in to scales when they hit the ground. If this is happening, Rapture is certainly...........
Sign #7 - A large dinosaur tongue is probing your earlobes.
Sign #8 (EXCLUSIVE BONUS! SIGN!!!) HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!
Okay, so maybe the world would be plunged in to mayhem if I was the editor of the Bible.
Maybe. Ooooooh, baby, My PANTS!!