An Average Day for Mr. Michael McMichael

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This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Mr. Michael McMichael was not average so his average day is not really average compared to yours but it's average for him at least.

Mr. Michael McMichael was an inventor. Here is his story. In a badly narrated attempt at an essay that happens to be divided in chapters.

Chapter 1: Dissapointed[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" Mr. Michael McMichael was in the lab with his assistant Gwen who happened to be a man.

"Gosh! I've done it," shouted Mr. Michael McMichael, "I've invented an electric powered lightbulb!"

Gwen came running in, "Sir, the lightbulb was invented by Thomas Edison in 1879, Mr."

"Screw you!" shouted Mr. Michael McMichael backhanded Gwen forcing his head into a spear standing up on the ground thus impaling his head. "Yikes," muttered Mr. Michael McMichael, "I killed my assistant, better call a temp agency".

He threw his light bulb down on the ground and went and ordered some pizza. Mr. Michael McMichael ordered a pizza with bacon, potato, and extra cheese, just the way Mr. Michael McMichael liked it. It came about ten minutes later and he paid the man. He ate quietly for ten minutes and returned to his lab and waited for about an hour. He had an idea for an invention. Pizza with potato, bacon, and extra cheese. I guess I forgot to mention something about Mr. Michael McMichael, ten years before, he got in a car accident thus making him have short term memory loss. He forgets everything he learns over an hour period at hour intervals. The only things he remembers other than stuff in the last hour is things he knew before he got in the car accident, and even so, he can only remember things about himself and elementary school stuff, thus him thinking he invented the lightbulb.

Chapter 2: An offer to Dominos[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" He was on the phone with Dominos, "What do you mean it's already invented???"

He's had that conversation with like 800 different companies, the worst conversation was when he tried to suggest the flying disk to Frisbee. Or when he said he invented a soda with 23 flavors and offered it to Coke. Then again that's how they got Mr. Pibb. He sat down on the couch and contemplated Y2K which in his mind was about 1/2 a year away. His local Wal-Mart now knows to have a stock of HAZMAT suits in stock around New Years' Eve. When someone tried to convince him it wasn't 1999 he bit off their toe. They had it sewed back on but still. He slept on the couch and awoke with an idea. He said, "I'm going to invent a gaming system known as the XBOX!"

He called Nintendo Inc. (the only major gaming company in 1999) and pledged the idea. They called XBOX and reported him and he was arrested for copyright infringement. He freaked out when he saw himself in jail. The cops processed him and realized he was mentally ill so they let him go. He got in a fight with the arresting officer because he refused to believe he had short-term memory loss. He forgot about it later.

Chapter 3: I asked him to come up with the name for this chapter, he didn't respond. Must have forgotten.[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" he thought in the police car. The police schlepped Mr. Michael McMichael to an asylum where he screamed, "was where the crazy folks went and [he] was sure as hell not crazy". His roommate was a portly man who thought that demons were burrowing out from the ground. The man (named Horas) didn't like reminding him where he was every single hour. Mr. Michael McMichael had the average life of a patient except, well, he forgot everything. He forgot to take his pills and forgot to go to his activities and forgot... that he forgot things.

Chapter 4: Wow, that was a short ass chapter. Oh well.. This is the part where he does some different shit than before[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" he thought during a therapy center. He was going to escape. At least he was going to before he forgot about it. Oh yeah, if you couldn't tell this is longer than a day, that was just a good title. Once he created a masterful plan, he forgot about it. His roommate reminded him. In total it took three days to plan because he lost his train of thought all the time. Their plan was to crawl through their window while the sing-a-long sessions were going along out back, and jump in one of the laundry trucks. So they crawled out and stood on the roof. Just then Mr. Michael McMichael said, "What the hell am I doing up here?" His roommate explained and the plan to him. They jumped in the laundry truck right as it drove off. I don't know what a laundry truck is, like why don't they just do their own laundry, but it sounded good at the time.

Chapter 5: The Great Escape. Wait. That's what happened last chapter. Nevermind.[edit]

"I'll be an invetnor!" He wanted to do something he never had done before. He invented something known as Mountain Lightning but could only sell it to the Wal-Mart generic brand. It was a citrus soda with a lot of caffeine and a lot of sugar. Wal-Mart decided to hire him after he came up with something called "Sam's Cola" (which in all reality is like 10x better than regular Coke). He created many great things like Frosted Crunchies, Lucky Oats, and Dr. Thunder (which in fact had 22 flavors). He was employee of the month at his local chain. He shot the owner because, "why the hell is my picture on your wall?"

Chapter 6: I would name this something witty, but he'd forget the name anyway.[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" He said once again. He invented something called Play Station and decided to buy the rights from Sony. He queried, "Why would you ever buy the rights to something you didn't even make?" They hung up on him. He was pissed so he went to bed. He woke up and repeated the cycle for the next 48 hours when he got arrested on a harassment charges which were dropped. Playstation later developed his life into a game where you have an hour to get the medicine to cure short-term memory loss but if you don't, you have to start over. Sold millions of copies (1 million of them were Mr. Michael McMichael because he kept forgetting he ever bought it).

Chapter 7: NappKidded[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" he screamed. Just then the windows in the front of his house were broken and two men in ski-masks broke in and tied him to a chair. He sat there for five minutes. When they picked him up he shouted, "What the hellk? How'd you guys get here."

They put him in the back of their van. He sat in the back looking at the posters that were hung on the wall, "Who are the Nationals?" he thought.

They unloaded him into an underground lair where a man in a suit walked in, "Hello," he said, in a calm voice. "It seems you are stealing my products, eh? First Sam's Cola, then Twist, then you stole Mr. Pibb and then you stole everything else." Mr. Michael McMichael was dumbfounded.

"Do you know who I am?" the man asked.

"Alas you don't. I am Dan Etiyeldnih, CEO of Coca Cola." A man walked in. "This is my assistant, Mr. Latem Rewolf. Say hello."

The little, girlish man said, "Hello," in a high-pitched voice.

Dan spoke, "So are you going to give us our fecking designs back or am I going to have to rip your farting brain out with a ficking needle through your facking nose?! Your choice."

"Uh..." Mr. Michael McMichael had no idea what to say, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Chapter 8: !ytinaV sdrawkcaB eroM[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" his mind told him but Dan snapped his fingers motioning a bigger man in,

"See Mr. Michael McMichael, this is one of my tougher associates," he gave a mean glance to Latem, "This, my friend is Jon Olleh. Or as we call him, JonTehSexyMofo Mean Jon."

In any other moment, Mr. Michael McMichael would have said something about how un-creative that nickname was but then Dan motioned again and spoke down the hallway, "Nacnud, bring in the needle".

An average sized man with a cocked grin walked in with a large needle. Nacnud began to scrape out Mr. Michael McMichael's brain when a man named Daer Em Noos kicked Nacnud's arm away. Daer grabbed Mr. Michael McMichael's arm and told him to run. Outside was another van waiting for him.

Chapter 9: So forgetful...[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" he thought for that instant. He dove into the van with Daer soon behind him. A man shut the door as Dan ran towards it. The driver drove away. Mr. Michael McMichael asked Daer, "Who are you?"

Daer spoke, "We came to save you. As you know, I'm Daer and he," he pointed to the doorman, "Is Shawn Williams II. Or as we call him S.W.2."

Mr. Michael McMichael looked at the driver and asked, "Who are you."

S.W.2 answered for him, "He never talks. We call him Seppy. It's short for Silent Penguin."

Mr. Michael McMichael was still confused, "Why penguin?"

Daer answered this time, "Because he always wears a suit." They drove for a bit longer and they took Mr. Michael McMichael out of the van and into a shack.

Daer spoke to him, "Why do you keep selling other companies' designs to Wal-Mart?"

Mr. Michael McMichael was shocked, "What do you mean?"

Daer turned to S.W.2, "I guess they were right, he has short-term memory loss."

Mr. Michael McMichael couldn't believe what he was hearing, "No. That isn't true."

S.W.2 looked at him, "Then what year is it?" Mr. Michael McMichael looked back, "1999".

Chapter 10: <Insert Witty Chapter Name Relating to Short Term Memory Loss>[edit]

"I'll be an inventor!" he thought as they wheeled him out of the shack.

Daer sighed, "We have no use for you, goodbye." They then pushed him off a conveniently placed cliff. Mr. Michael McMichael rolled down until hitting his head on a rock at the bottom. "Ow..." he said. Suddenly his eyes lit up, he remembered everything that had happened. He wanted vengeance to Coke. He was going to get it.. Well if he could get out of the gorge. He was a sixty five year old man who hadn't worked out in ten years so he had trouble. He spent two days trying to climb up the rocks and surviving off of ants and his own urine. He sat down and realized he was going to die.

Then a man came up to him and said, "You could of taken the elevator," and he pointed to an elevator ten feet away from where he fell.

"Oh," Mr. Michael McMichael said, "Didn't see that". He waltzed into the elevator and went to the nearest town, Townplaceville.

Chapter 11: Die Hard Mr. Michael McMichael With a Vengeance[edit]

You thought the chapter was going to start with "I'll be an inventor" right? Wrong. He doesn't have short term memory loss anymore so HA! You lose. Sorry. You are the weakest link, bitch! Erm.. Back to the story, shall we? Okay. So Mr. Michael McMichael went to the gun store of Townplaceville and bought a shotgun and a saw. He sawed off the tip of the shotgun and then tried to find the Coke headquarters. He spent days asking around town and no one gave him a straight answer.

He was sitting in the local pub and a man came up to him, "Hello. I've heard you've been trying to find the Coke headquarters, eh?"

Mr. Michael McMichael didn't understand why this man approached him, "Who are you?"

The man answered, "I don't give my name, you can call me," he cleared his throat, "T3."

Mr. Michael McMichael really didn't care about the man's motives anymore, "So what can you tell me about the Coca Cola headquarters. T3's face lit up in a huge grin.

"Well," he started, "It's an underground facility ten miles from here..."

Chapter 12: Coke < Pepsi. Hand's freaking down[edit]

Now lemme just clear this up. Pepsi is a lot better. Pepsi is a lot sweeter and Coke and less carbonated so it tastes a lot better so that's why Coke is the bad guy in here. So back, eh? Mr. Michael McMichael and T3 were in T3's car traveling down the highway to the perceived location of the Coca Cola H.Q. They pulled up to a marker signaling its location.

Before opening the latch to the secret headquarters T3 spoke, "I may not make it out alive. These people are determined at giving people ideas for products that are ultimately end up being better than the original."

Mr. Michael McMichael nodded. After all of this Mr. Michael McMichael was going to get a resolution. Yea.

Chapter 13: Mr. Michael McMichael goes postal on their asses[edit]

They opened the hatch and started shooting wildly at everyone in there. The had killed seemingly everyone. T3 fist bumped with Mr. Michael McMichael, "We did it". BANG.

T3 fell to the floor. "No!" shouted Mr. Michael McMichael. He turned around to see Dan holding a pistol with smoke coming off of the tip.

"You think I'd let you come in here and kill my men without a fight?" he laughed maniacally, "Are you really that stupid?"

Mr. Michael McMichael swallowed and said, "Why? I didn't know what I was doing. Don't hold that against me."

Dan laughed again, "It seems you've regained your memory. Splendid. Now I can do what I wanted to do before," he held out a needle, "Would you mind sitting down?"

Mr. Michael McMichael grinned, "Remember what you said about you being stupid? You are. You let me hold a shotgun to your head this whole time." He then shot Dan in the face. He climbed up the ladder to the outside world. He thought to himself, "Wow, revenge is sweet," as he walked into the middle of the road. Then he got hit by a car.