Choking is BAD!!!

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A new study from leading doctors across the free world says that choking is bad for your health and may result in death. The the results are conclusive, they show that the eighty test subjects they used died after choking. The tests were run over the course of one day and the data has been checked and clarified by many other scientists.

The news has caused an uproar in the world. People are blaming all food for the death of the eighty test subjects. Though many people have been distracted by the riots about the results, many scientists are hard at work theorizing why choking is such a deadly, deadly thing.

Theories[edit]

There are three leading theories as to why something as harmless as choking could kill a man, woman, or even a dog.

The "Evil Food" Theory[edit]

The most widely accepted theory, seeing as it is the most plausible, says that that when you begin to choke on food, the food reacts in an evil, vengeful way. Different food target different parts of the body. For example, if you are choking on a piece of bubble gum, your brain will most likely explode, seeing as bubble gum looks a lot like a human brain. So therefore, if you were eating kidney beans, your heart would implode. Many anti-food ads have been running across television in support of this theory. Most of the commercials have quotes like, "Food doesn't care for you, so why eat it?"

The "Smiting" Theory[edit]

Another leading theory is that God frowns upon choking so when someone commits the sinful act, he smites them to death. Some religious leaders attribute this to the fact that when you choke you look like you are receiving oral sex, which is also a sin. Evidence that supports this theory is weak and consists mainly of passages from the Bible and recordings of drunk priests rambling about supposed revelations. Many people frown upon this theory, especially other religious leaders who question, "Why would God frown upon choking?"

The "Clogged Airway" Theory[edit]

The least accepted theory that was created by a crazed mental patient who made the unrealistic discovery that when you choke, the food clogs your airway so you cannot breathe. Obviously this theory makes absolutely no sense. Most critics laugh off this theory and don't give it the time of day but some have commented such criticism as, "What's breathing??? What's this guy talking about?" or "Food can't clog your airway! Food is an inanimate object!" Still there are underground societies that support this ludicrous theory.

What You Can Do[edit]

In order to protect yourself, you must follow these albeit easy but important steps to prevent the disease of choking to affect you and your loved ones.

  • Don't choke
  • Don't choke
  • Don't choke
  • Don't choke
  • Don't choke
  • Don't choke

Now you know. Do something to stop this horrible and widespread illness today.