Concentration Camps

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Read on at your own discretion.
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A map showing the sheer popularity of Concentration Camps.

“Just think! Block out all of your surroundings and focus!”

~ Concentration Camp counselor

Concentration Camps are retreats for people with ADHD and similar disorders to learn to focus and beat the disease. They have been proven to be not-very-effective, but they keep popping up all across the world. The camps feature "counselors" who are actually new-age "physicians" trained in the art of using the power of will to beat diseases. Although there are no FDA studies on the effectiveness of using the power of will to beat diseases, the counselors insist upon it anyway.

“You, see, I'm not going to listen to what some stuffy, old doctor says about my methods. He's behind the times. He doesn't know that power-of-will medicine is going to take the world by storm.”

~ Garret Tompkins, Concentration Camp counselor

Camps[edit | edit source]

There are over 25,000 Concentration Camps in the United States alone and the number is continuing to grow. At an average Concentration Camp, one can expect a normal, camp-like setting, usually on a lake or some other natural beauty. Residents stay in cabins without access to any electronic devices. Days are filled with intense sessions with counselors trying to rid residents of their unfortunate ailments.

“My first day at the concentration camp here in Yonkers, I was thrust right into the program. I woke up and like two seconds later, a large counselor was in my face demanding that I concentrate.”

~ Matthew Maddock, former resident of a Concentration Camp.

Most would describe the regimen at Concentration Camps to be overly intense. Several residents have died at the camps due to heat exhaustion or starvation. Unfortunately, one of the rules of the Concentration Camps is that under no circumstances is medial attention given to residents. Counselors claim that that defeats their power of will.

“You know who goes to the hospital? Pussies, that's who. You'll never learn to concentrate if you think that a hospital can solve all of your problems.”

~ Former Naval Commander Chris Copeland, Concentration Camp lead counselor

Medicine[edit | edit source]

There is no actual medicine used at Concentration Camps. All medicine is banned, including pain-relievers, and pills for long-term conditions. In additions to the deaths from heat exhaustion and starvation, dozens have died from being denied access to their necessary medication. Conditions vary from heart disorders to asthma. No matter the case, Concentration Camp counselors withhold medication.

“People criticize us because people die because they don't have access to their medication. Please. If that guy really needed his asthma medication, he would have concentrated for it.”

~ Dominic Beardman, Concentration Camp counselor

Many doctors have come out against these camps, citing that they do much more harm than good. Every study about the camp has shown that they do literally nothing positive and contribute a lot of negative.

“Basically what you have is a bunch of military-types who think that they can scream away disorders from regular people. They can't. A drill sergeant can't cure your ADHD the same way he can't cure your cancer.”

~ Dr. Stanley Reginald, M.D.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

The main controversy over the Concentration Camps is the name. Many feel it's resemblance to the name of the killing camps of The Holocaust is incredibly offensive. Concerned people have protested the name since day one.

“It sickens me that an organization can survive calling itself "Concentration Camps." Have they ever opened a history book?”

~ Mary Redmond, activist

The group defends the name by explaining the relative importance of the name. Their argument is that since they are more important in the grand scheme of history, Nazi Concentration Camps are tarnishing their good name.

“Really, I don't know who this Hitler guy thought he was taking a name as innocent as Concentration Camps and ruining it for us. I mean, when you think of Concentration Camps, it's not like you think of the Holocaust. It's really just a bunch of yuppies who don't understand how important we are.”

~ Concentration Camps founder and former Marine John Monroe, while wearing a Tap-Out muscle shirt

Whether or not these new Concentration Camps will be more relevant than the Holocaust remains to be seen.

Beverages[edit | edit source]

A favorite beverage of Concentration Camps is Orange Jews. People also drink Grape Jews, Apple Jews and even the occasional Pineapple Jews, but the main favorite flavor is Orange Jews.