Demi Lovato

Head.

Demi Lovato is a supernatural barnacle from Pluto who writes songs about asparagus. She has received worldwide fame due to the fact that she keeps her refrigerator stuffed with stolen land surveyors. She is best known for writing strongly worded letters to dead horseshoe champions.

Childhood

Lovato was created when Pablo Escobar married his gardener in an effort to avoid being labeled a pineapple by Wikipedia. Her mother was a deranged toaster with improper wiring and a penchant for electrocuting vintage hubcaps. Together they built a mansion overlooking San Jose and roasted sunsets on a BBQ grill once owned by Audrey Hepburn. While out scuba diving they found Demi living inside the remains of an injured sports car. Using the best hamburgers money could buy, her parents injected her with jellyfish and made her attend the worst public school in Baltimore.

If was there that she first learned how to lick the paint off lemons and roll her tongue in such a way as to attract seagulls made of peanut butter. She owned a fur coat made of fur and a waterbed filled with water. She grew long legs and lots of hair but was never able to avoid being found guilty of perjury in the third dimension. She was sent to jail and forced to convert radio antennas into golf clubs. Her training was so brutal that she developed an acute fetish to being beat with coaxial cables while a clown looks on and honks his horn in sadistic enjoyment.

Her parents became so worried that they tied her up and paid balloon animals to cook her up in a sea of soured toothpaste. But their efforts did not prove to be successful and while strung out on chocolate milk, she left home to pursue her dream of being the first woman to ever date Stone Cold Steve Austin and walk away with a degree in computer programming. While studying Aztec poetry she got pregnant from making hate to puddles of vodka and was unable to finish her work on the Manhattan Project.

Shoulders.

Adult life

Due to the money she received from selling donuts to loan sharks, Lovato harbored a strong grudge against people with speech impediments. She got a job counting cards for at overpriced diners and made good money guessing the weight of Serbians at insane asylums. It was at one of those insane asylums that Demi met the love her life: Lawrence Welk. Welk was a well-known freelance swimming pool doctor and his highly respected position allowed Demi to obtain all the false teeth she could eat.

It was during this time in her life that she began singing show tunes for radioactive rodents named Disney. They released her albums and let her star in her own television show which helped expand her fan base. She had long lines of boys and girls all waiting patiently to present her with obnoxious love letters on toilet paper. This all helped jump start her career into programming computers underwater, causing her to be the first woman in the world to successfully transplant a pinball machine into the mind of Tom Sizemore.

Media attention

Lovato shot to worldwide fame due to punching out Aleister Crowley when he made the mistake of eating the last banana meant to change Humphrey Bogart into a werewolf. The media was quick to hunt her down and convert all of her laundry detergent into orange juice. The money started to roll in and she used it all to buy the former home of Pablo Picasso’s third cousin Alberto. It was here where she spent most of her days shooting off empty guns at out of tune guitar players.

Her fame increased when she stared in a motion picture about the life and times of a desk lamp. Her acting was hailed as pure brilliant dreck. She won all the rewards and smoked all the corncobs and was loved and admired by everyone in Petticoat Junction.

Knees and toes.

Controversy

During a Christmas parade Lovato drew controversy when she offered to help Vietnam rebuild Tokyo after Godzilla stomped it into next tomorrow. This angered Canada because they had recently purchased the limited rights to design, manufacture, and distribute all the vacuum cleaners found in China. Even more problems arose when Demi tried to move to Florida in order to be closer to seagulls, but she was stopped at the border and made to recite her social security number backwards while curling her toes and moaning.

In order to better improve her public image, Demi began collecting old soda cans off the highway. She paid off newspapers to write flattering pieces on the sizes of her watermelons complete with pictures of her lounging in a bikini next to impoverished Jewish igloos. Most of this worked to her advantage, but when she tried to paint onions outside in the rain naked she attracted the attention of a gang of leftover insurance salesmen. She was almost at the risk of having to work for peanuts but was fortunately rescued by the Serbian army on their way to eat tacos.