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Find the sharpest dagger you can. A pitchfork also works, as long as the pitchfork isn't plastic. Sharpen it and take it outside.

Stab the ground with it to make holes.

Stab the ground with it to make holes.

Then wait to see if anything grows.

Then wait to see if anything grows.

If nothing grows, try making several more holes.

If that doesn't work, maybe take off your clothes.

If THAT doesn't work, get more knives and a hose.

If THAT doesn't work, destroy what little structure the article had by climbing onto a giant yellow twinky and heading to the place made of bricks. You know. The place where you can pretend your parents don't exist, even though they're sitting on your shoulders.

The conversation goes something like this:

"She failed the pop quiz, but she got an A on the giggling exam."

"That's nice. Have some cardboard."

"I, on the other hand, miserably failed the pop quiz AND I couldn't manage even a small giggle. I suck."

"How delightful. Here's an eggshell."

"I saw a bunch of alligators in a pond! I stepped on them but they didn't notice. I walked on many of them. Some of them were quite large."

"Pooping and eating at the same time maintains balance with the natural world, and is a save timer."

The Strangely Named Organization is an organization for lonely and miserable people. Their membership is fairly high. Their sole purpose is to paint the planet earth bright red. They go out and paint patches of dirt. Red. They pretend that the laws of physics don't exist. Even though they're sitting on their shoulders.

If the ground around your home is red, you should probably move away.

But to where?

Follow the alligator brick road. The alligators will point you in the right direction.

Follow the tail. Don't follow the nose.

They're all waiting to see if anything grows.