Fred Phelps

From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Americas answer to Krampus.

Fred Phelps is a form of vegetation developed by Monsanto in the 1950s under contract from the CIA. The request for proposal was basically the requirement for a fast growing, ravenous plant derived by crossing kudzu and pureed remains of Ku Klux Klan members. It was hoped that the result would be a living fence to contain black ghettoes while government agents introduced malt liquor, crack cocaine and Kool cigarettes.

Unfortunately for the contractors for Project Know Your Place, the only viable result was a strain called Fred Phelps, whose strongest expressed trait was a love of black people. Rather than relegation to the dust heap, however, a sharp scientist named Bruno Kukluuknee plucked up a sample of FP (Fred Phelps) and exposed it to Primitive Baptist radiation for six years.

The resultant mutation grew more disgusting and horrifying as it incorporated the DNA of Billy "Crackers" Graham, Ted Haggard and Jimmy Swaggart into its protoplasmic mass. One of the staff, a technician named Randall Meintz, began to add shredded pages from the Holy Bible to the fertilizers used to feed Phelps, and in his third year of life on this planet,it became a man-plant. It demanded a cowboy hat and a full scholarship to a two year college, three Bible colleges, and finally, Washburn University Law School. While there, he was featured in Time Magazine article, being the first lawyer in the history of the United States to be preemptively disbarred before his graduation.

After his graduation with a JD, Phelps was invited to be assistant pastor at East Side Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. In 1964, he was released from all obligations to the US military-industrial complex. He was given the position of pastor at a new branch of East Side Baptist called Westboro Baptist Church on the opposite side of Topeka. Two weeks later he read "The Schizm That Izm Zimizmizm" by Rev. Zim_ulator and Christmas Humphreys, a mathematical Buddhist treatise proving that each individual who declares him or herself to to be a member of a Zimizmizt faith become a Zimizmizt for one moment, and then voluntarily or at the business end of a weapon, declares that yet another schizm is the one true faith. Phelps critique of the Rev; Zim_ulator and his heretics and denouncers was insisted that the whole pack of them were are bat shit crazy, and that surely the subject of his research was in fact a joke religion.